The Premiere

May 18th, 2010

After many tense months, we are officially lifting our radio silence.

As you may know, Slantmouth Industries is committed to creating only the finest in preposterous projects. In fact, in the last year we have funded our subordinates in bringing a wide array of mind-bending ideas to life. For example, some interns thought it would be a great idea to build a robot that “feels.” When we first heard the idea we thought they meant a robotic war machine that would “feel” the internal organs of its enemies as it punched holes through their chests, but the interns actually wanted to build a robot that had real synthetic emotions. We obviously had to put a stop to that, because that is just stupid. We like our robot assassins and robot hookers without feelings of remorse, thank you.

Another idea that came across the desks of the Colonel and I was a proposal for a machine that would clone ninjas. Now, that was an idea that we could whole-heartedly get behind! We were unsure why the machine would only be able to clone ninjas, but the thought of having an army of ninjas at our disposal quickly quieted our questions. Unfortunately, none of the interns knew what they hell they were doing and instead of cloned ninjas we ended up with an army of vaguely human-shaped husks, reeking of the musk worn by many ninjas: death. Though, usually it’s because they’ve killed many a man and not because they are a monstrous slab of human flesh grown in a vat.

Needless to say, the rate of success for our projects was fairly low. We asked ourselves, why are we failing to produce the desired results from these ethically questionable ventures? After much thought, we came to the conclusion that we needed to keep things simpler. So, we took the first projects we funded and boiled them down to there essential components; punching someone in/through the chest and ninjas. Then, we let our interns loose without the benefit of ridiculous amounts of funding. Surprisingly, they produced something that didn’t make us want to strangle them.

The final touches are being applied as we speak and within a matter of days the project will be unleashed upon an unsuspecting populous. It contains all the things we asked for, without the sort of ironic nonsense that happens when ninjas and the Internet are combined. We consider it a giant leap for intern-kind. Join us in celebrating their achievement as we normally do at Slantmouth Industries, enjoying the fruits of their labor in the next few days, then largely ignoring them. The countdown to disregard starts now!