Slantmouth Industries, as an organization, likes to see itself as something more than money grubbing corporate raiders that use the sweat and toil of the underprivileged to build an empire. Instead, we like to see ourselves as public servants, providing the common (wo)man with the tools necessary to make it through the day. With that in mind, we would like to proudly present Instant Chewbacca.
Now, based on the name alone, you may be expecting a purchasable product which, when combined with water, would produce an actual living Chewbacca to be your friend, smuggler or lover. Unfortunately, that would cost a fortune and the combination of water and Wookie fur would probably smell terrible.
What we’ve devised is much more useful and practical (unless you are really, really lonely). If you think about it, Instant Chewbacca boils down Chewbacca to his essence: loudly making animal noises. It’s like he’s sitting in the same room as you! For free!
Now that is a service worth clicking on our Google Ads for!
In other space faring creature news, a very special episode of Ultraman: Political Crusader has gone live. Within it’s panels important subjects are tackled, such as Healthcare reform and questionable team building activities involving group sex.
These are the sorts of fine products/services/interrogation methods you have come to expect from Slantmouth and we will continue to provide them, because other than mocking everyone, being bitter, yelling commands at terrified interns, and making total strangers cry, it’s our number one priority. No need to say thank you. We’re just glad we can help.
From the outside it would seem like nothing has been happening at Slantmouth Industries recently, but if you peel back the surface you will see all kinds of ideas and projects humming along. Though, we prefer that you didn’t peel back the surface because, in this case, the surface is our collective scalp, which when peeled back just reveals our collective skull, which you’d have to peel back to have any chance of seeing our collective brain where all kinds of interesting (and probably horrifying) ideas are being worked on. However, by that point you’d officially be a psychotic murderer, so let’s forget we said anything about peeling things back, okay?
Just take our word for it, we are busy working on several things and very soon, you’ll taste the fruits of our hard labor. The fruit will be delicious and make you forget all about that time you thought about killing us in a disturbing ritualized manner. If you think about it, we’ll be more excited about new content than you will, because people will stop thinking about wanting to kill us.
It’s a win-win situation.
Living in Washington, DC — the furnace of the political machine — keeps politics on the fore of our minds, even though we would rather be thinking about ways to defend our nation’s capital in case it is attacked by a giant monster sent by terrorists. You may be thinking that this would never happen, but one has to think outside the box or inside the crazy if we hope to be prepared for the ongoing threat posed by those plotting our destruction overseas. With so much nuclear material in the world unaccounted for, how long before they get their hands on some potent isotopes and create a menagerie of gigantic creatures bent on our destruction? Not as long as you’d think, poindexter.
So, while competing thoughts of domestic politics and horrifying behemoths were twirling around in our heads we came up with a solution to the nuclear giant monster problem, but rather than talk about it here we’ll point you to a complex visual diagram that explains everything. Behold the wonders of American ingenuity (borrowed from Japan).
Today ended the first project of the rest of our lives. Our coal-black hearts have been warmed by your words and your follows. Mine especially, right up until I chipped a tooth and popped a blood vessel in my eye from gritting my jaws in fury.
That said, we leave behind Project One for something we haven’t come up with yet. I have it on good authority that it could be Project Two.
Will it be stupendous? Probably.
Will we enjoy working on it? Undoubtedly.
Will it involve relentlessly clicking the same god-forsaken button again and again and again? No. You can bet your ass it won’t.
All we can encourage you to do in the mean time, friend, is to sit tight and wait for the next wave of awesome.
The slumbering beast rises again and it leaves uncertainty and confusion in its wake. Where have we been? What is this new and somewhat terrifying place? Is that what you really look like, you handsome bastards?
All will be answered in due time, but it’s easy enough to say that a change of scenery was in order. A change of mission and purpose was vital. We have many things to show you and whatever Slantmouth had become was inadequate in expressing the visions bursting forth from our impregnably minds. We were left hopelessly clinging to the notion that the format we had come to develop and hone would eventually graduate to a higher level. This was not the case and, as boredom grew, the quality, which we prided ourselves on, slid—like a hot dog down a fat man’s throat. (The imagery now plastered in your head is sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest)
So, it was back to the drawing board for the Slantmouth Word Scientists and what you see now is the beginning of an ongoing experiment and you, our dear readers, are the test subjects. Sometimes the experiments will make you fall madly in love with us and other times they will make you shrink back in unknown terror. In a way the Word Scientist and Test Subject relationship is like a bad marriage. You might occasionally feel like an abused spouse, but we hope you learn to enjoy it because we love you so bad.
(Sometimes, love is messed up.)
Stick around because the ride will be amazing. You’ll have to take our word because you can’t begin to see what is forming in our heads. It is a vision for a future so wonderful that we can’t help but fall disappointingly short. So, basically, this is a bad marriage. Welcome to it. And have your therapist on speed dial.