So Long, and Thanks for All the Tards, Internet

Slantmouth has enjoyed a hell of a journey here on the Internet. When it all began there was a purpose, some serious intent buried under the jokes. Clumsy intent at times, sure, but intent none the less. As things developed and a few years past we grew tired of the original vision. The site languished and sat without updates for months.

When it was finally rebooted properly, that new vision never really held. It wasn’t long before the updates became few and far between. There was something that was never quite right about it, but we tried to push on.

Recently, after some discussion, the plan became to re-imagine Slantmouth once again, but at what point does Slantmouth stop being Slantmouth? We feel we may have reached that point. Rather than doing something completely different and slapping the name and logo on the front, it may be time to move on.

So, with a heavy heart, we’re going to close down the hallowed digital doors of Slantmouth. The updates may stop but it will remain visible as a monument to a time in our lives were we did something we really cared about. It was a time that can never be relived or replaced. But now it’s time to move on to other things. We can only hope we ever care as much about them.

Colonel Moses and I will be alive and well, but running a website has put a major cramp in our adventuring muscle. It’s time for us to get back on the streets full force and unleash ourselves on the unsuspecting public. There are adventures to be had, men to be beaten to a pulp, and snide comments to be made about George W. Bush. It’s all a ton of hard work, but we were willing and able then, and we are more than willing and able now.

Thank you for everything.

– Julius Serpentine

Let us set sail on the good ship Podcast.

Greetings, good readers!

We’ve done our research. People hate reading. That is why we’ve decided, after all of this time, to join the rest of the internet and do a podcast.

Some may love it, some may hate it, others may even commute with it. As with most things Slantmouth, we’re not going to nail down a topic, so from week to week expect things to shift around.

Without further delay, we present Slantmouth Podcast Episode One: Liberation and Stuff!

If you prefer iTunes for your Podcast consumption, get it here!

If you have suggestions or comments about the podcast, feel free to email us at podcast@slantmouth.com. Enjoy!

Note: This podcast contains graphic content and may not be suitable for all listeners.

Both a mistake and a test occurred!

If you subscribe to our RSS feed, you may have noticed a test post go out a little while ago, which can be broken down into bad news and good news… I’ll go ahead and give you both.

Bad news: I didn’t intend for it to hit the RSS feed, it totally did!
Good news: The test totally worked!

Yes, this was a test for our new project, previously mentioned here, and yes, we’re actually on schedule!

You should look forward to checking out the first episode of this venture on Wednesday, most likely, but it could be any time this week. This means you should set your excitement settings to “holy crap,” only to be completely disappointed.

At any rate, prepare for greatness this week. I’ll be doing another post to announce the launch of the new project.

Stay tuned, loyal readers!

Things Are Happening. Seriously This Time.

It’s always exciting when Slantmouth sets out on a project’s maiden voyage. It brings back fond memories of past endeavors and experiments, like that time we brought a circus cannon into the office. We offered interns the opportunity to be fired from it for a chance to win a full-expenses-paid vacation to the approximately 3% of Mexico not controlled by drug kingpins who will sew your screaming face onto a soccer ball.

But this competition had an M. Night Shyamalan like twist: there was no vacation. Also, at the end we found out that all of the participating interns were dead. This was probably due to shocking twists number three and four: there were no helmets or safety netting for the interns shot out of the cannon.

So, back to our new and somewhat less deadly project. We were discussing how we could take advantage of the wonderful powers of the internet in ways we haven’t yet tried. Somehow, that conversation led to us going back to technology popularized before the internet was even a stain on some obese engineer’s sweaty Black Sabbath teeshirt. That technology? Radio.

Don’t get us wrong; we hate modern radio. It’s terrible. Between the constant rotation of three songs and the men shouting at each other all the time, it’s a depressing place. Also, no pictures.

Despite that, we feel that we can bring something unique to internet-based audio recordings. We’ve commissioned a group within the Slantmouth empire to record something we can only hope is not a complete and utter disaster. It will, at the very least, contain the type of [angry -ed.] cheer and positive [death -ed.] energy you’ve come to expect from Slantmouth.

So, you can expect that to happen really soon and I don’t mean “really soon” based on standard Slantmouth Time™. It’ll be here before you know it. Unfortunately, it will also include no pictures.

Rusty gears creak once more

It seems like we have this talk too often (or maybe not often enough), but here we are again on the cusp of another awakening.

Once more, we lost our way for a while, trying to pin down the nebulous, attempting to define the undefinable, clarifying that which needed no clarification.

It’s possible you’ll note some changes around here soon, and by changes, I mostly mean we’ll be updating things. What things, you may ask? Well, imagine that we’re updating something. Now, you’ll notice that once you’re finished doing the complicated math, that it is a 100% increase from the former amount of updating, which was nothing.

Come back when you’re finished being impressed.

Now that you’re back, let’s go into some of the things that we’ve been working or have decided without mentioning it.

  1. We’ve updated Instant Chewbacca: Not only is he using HTML5 (so you can use him on your mobile devices and modern, awesome browsers), he also has a Twitter account. Follow him at @instantchewie.
  2. I’ve disabled my personal Twitter account: In order to focus on official Slantmouth stuff, I’m killing off @MosesBlackwell. Not me, obviously, but the Twitter account. Officially, I’ll be publishing through Slantmouth’s Twitter account, which as you know, is @slantmouth.
  3. We’ve added a resource: While we’re not prepared to start making full disclosures quite yet, when we release a project that our new lad has worked on, we’ll be giving credit and making the official announcement.

That list sounded longer in my head. At any rate, we’ll be shifting some things around, updating more often, and making a pledge to be more productive.

For you, our dear readers/followers/ne’er-do-wells, thanks for bearing with us.

Finally, many of you likely don’t know this, but January 1st marks the passing of Slantmouth’s fifth year. That may not sound like a lot, but five years in internet-time is like dog years, only with a lot more full-frontal nudity. One would hope… or not…

While we haven’t worked on Slantmouth projects 100% for those incredible five years, we’re proud of the work we’ve done through this speaker box we call a site, and we’d like to thank all of the folks who’ve helped us, inspired us, and kept us going for this long.

Stay tuned for some more good old fashioned, Slantmouth-brand awesome.

Increasing lines of communication

If you’ll take a moment to remember, we here at Slantmouth delved neck deep into the social network, Twitter, in an effort to better communication with you, our dear audience.

Results, as we soon discovered, varied greatly. I, in particular, was scorned by the process; confronted with endless scores of Chinese ladyboys who undoubtedly wanted to take running leaps at my genitals for a few good ol’ fashioned American dollars. Needless to say, I was appalled and intrigued.

With this tear-inducing experience behind me—and now that Twitter seems to be a little more civil—I’m personally leaping back into the fold, no longer operating under the Slantmouth umbrella, which should stay, as it is, concerned with matters pertaining to Slantmouth Industries as a whole, rather than quality, classic violence, and/or whatever the hell else is going on.

Social commentary and related news articles will likely be the operation, but it will largely be dictated by my temperament.

Follow me here. Or die.

The Premiere

After many tense months, we are officially lifting our radio silence.

As you may know, Slantmouth Industries is committed to creating only the finest in preposterous projects. In fact, in the last year we have funded our subordinates in bringing a wide array of mind-bending ideas to life. For example, some interns thought it would be a great idea to build a robot that “feels.” When we first heard the idea we thought they meant a robotic war machine that would “feel” the internal organs of its enemies as it punched holes through their chests, but the interns actually wanted to build a robot that had real synthetic emotions. We obviously had to put a stop to that, because that is just stupid. We like our robot assassins and robot hookers without feelings of remorse, thank you.

Another idea that came across the desks of the Colonel and I was a proposal for a machine that would clone ninjas. Now, that was an idea that we could whole-heartedly get behind! We were unsure why the machine would only be able to clone ninjas, but the thought of having an army of ninjas at our disposal quickly quieted our questions. Unfortunately, none of the interns knew what they hell they were doing and instead of cloned ninjas we ended up with an army of vaguely human-shaped husks, reeking of the musk worn by many ninjas: death. Though, usually it’s because they’ve killed many a man and not because they are a monstrous slab of human flesh grown in a vat.

Needless to say, the rate of success for our projects was fairly low. We asked ourselves, why are we failing to produce the desired results from these ethically questionable ventures? After much thought, we came to the conclusion that we needed to keep things simpler. So, we took the first projects we funded and boiled them down to there essential components; punching someone in/through the chest and ninjas. Then, we let our interns loose without the benefit of ridiculous amounts of funding. Surprisingly, they produced something that didn’t make us want to strangle them.

The final touches are being applied as we speak and within a matter of days the project will be unleashed upon an unsuspecting populous. It contains all the things we asked for, without the sort of ironic nonsense that happens when ninjas and the Internet are combined. We consider it a giant leap for intern-kind. Join us in celebrating their achievement as we normally do at Slantmouth Industries, enjoying the fruits of their labor in the next few days, then largely ignoring them. The countdown to disregard starts now!

Long time, no see

This is a message for all of you. A transmission regarding quality, not quantity. A grouping of thoughts about the nature of Slantmouth, and the internet at large.

For a long time, as we have previously mentioned, we broke our necks to bring you new, quality articles every single week, without fail. Sandwiched between our jobs, our lives, our other interests, sometimes we’d win, sometimes we’d fail, and sometimes we phoned it in. Daddy’s tired, darling. Go talk to your mother.

Once this phase passed, we made a firm decision to do fewer, but better, projects. What we ultimately found was that it scattered our vision, obscured our focus, and ultimately failed in execution. We had several months where things hummed, then they trickled off. We didn’t want to get stuck doing one-offs or god-forsaken lists forever. We don’t want to game the system (which is surprisingly easy), or create disingenuous (or easy, crappy) products  for the sake of generating traffic or revenue or notoriety. Frankly, these things are sickening. They’re dishonest to your audience, and more than anything, treats them (and you) like a bunch of morons.

We’re not here for them. We’re here for you.

So yes, while we could crank out “hilarious” comics listing things we don’t genuinely care about, or create about a thousand “Do I Have Swine Flu”s or “Instant Chewbacca”s, we won’t. We are completely aware this would result in massive amounts of traffic. We are completely aware that this would allow us to make more money at this. We do not care.

We will continue to experiment with what works, and post them here when they’re done. We hope you enjoy them.

Mother Slantmouth will continue to produce things we’re proud of. We’re hard at work creating new things for you and for us.

Finally, I’d like to say that it would be good for the internet and good for the world if more people sat down and carefully considered their actions before acting. There’s an old adage:

You can have it  done right, have it done cheap, or have it done fast. Pick two.

Since we don’t make much (read: anything) on this endeavor, we’re going to opt to do it right. We hope others will join us.

Our Minds Take Up Space

Slantmouth Industries, as an organization, likes to see itself as something more than money grubbing corporate raiders that use the sweat and toil of the underprivileged to build an empire. Instead, we like to see ourselves as public servants, providing the common (wo)man with the tools necessary to make it through the day. With that in mind, we would like to proudly present Instant Chewbacca.

Now, based on the name alone, you may be expecting a purchasable product which, when combined with water, would produce an actual living Chewbacca to be your friend, smuggler or lover. Unfortunately, that would cost a fortune and the combination of water and Wookie fur would probably smell terrible.

What we’ve devised is much more useful and practical (unless you are really, really lonely). If you think about it, Instant Chewbacca boils down Chewbacca to his essence: loudly making animal noises. It’s like he’s sitting in the same room as you! For free!

Now that is a service worth clicking on our Google Ads for!

In other space faring creature news, a very special episode of Ultraman: Political Crusader has gone live. Within it’s panels important subjects are tackled, such as Healthcare reform and questionable team building activities involving group sex.

These are the sorts of fine products/services/interrogation methods you have come to expect from Slantmouth and we will continue to provide them, because other than mocking everyone, being bitter, yelling commands at terrified interns, and making total strangers cry, it’s our number one priority. No need to say thank you. We’re just glad we can help.

All Quiet on the Western Front

From the outside it would seem like nothing has been happening at Slantmouth Industries recently, but if you peel back the surface you will see all kinds of ideas and projects humming along. Though, we prefer that you didn’t peel back the surface because, in this case, the surface is our collective scalp, which when peeled back just reveals our collective skull, which you’d have to peel back to have any chance of seeing our collective brain where all kinds of interesting (and probably horrifying) ideas are being worked on. However, by that point you’d officially be a psychotic murderer, so let’s forget we said anything about peeling things back, okay?

Just take our word for it, we are busy working on several things and very soon, you’ll taste the fruits of our hard labor. The fruit will be delicious and make you forget all about that time you thought about killing us in a disturbing ritualized manner. If you think about it, we’ll be more excited about new content than you will, because people will stop thinking about wanting to kill us.

It’s a win-win situation.