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Few stories are horrific enough that even the staff at Slantmouth is left with little to say. Unfortunately, after Austrian Josef Friztl imprisoned and raped his own daughter in a soundproof dungeon built in his basement for over twenty-four years, fathering seven of his own grandchildren, well, the permanent taste of vomit in our mouths won’t allow much clear thought. So, instead of the usual commentary and in-depth coverage you have come to expect, the festivities are going to be turned over to Investigator Magstanik, one of the Austrian police assigned to examine the scene of the crime: the handcrafted, underground prison bunker. We present to you his extensive notes from the scene.

As many may already know, Slantmouth is proudly based in the Nation’s Capitol, Washington, DC. So one can only imagine how our unholy hearts leapt for joy when we heard that the Pope was coming to town. Finally, a chance at redemption, a chance at salvation, a chance to kick it with his holiness, Pope Benedict the XVI. While there haven’t been nearly as many Pope Benedicts as there have been Super Bowls, sixteen is still an impressive number. Clearly, these guys are doing something right.

Protesters in London and Paris have disrupted the joyous procession of the Olympic Torch as it makes its way to Beijing. Why would anyone protest the Olympics, a globally unifying celebration of nations beating one another into submission in various athletic events? It has everything to do with China’s human rights record, which is terrible, especially when compared to their record for number of steroid-enhanced female gymnasts with mustaches. Watch for the one with the handle-bar mustache this Summer. She is great on the parallel bars. Just do not use the shower after she shaves her legs; it’s gruesome.

The Pentagon recently announced that they had “accidentally” shipped Taiwan parts from a Minuteman ballistic missile. These parts, consisting of four electrical fuses, are used to trigger nuclear weapons (although they do not contain nuclear material). Taiwan had ordered helicopter batteries, but received the fuses instead, which if you weren’t already aware, makes no goddamned sense whatsoever. To put it in layman’s terms, Taiwan ordered the salmon, and we delivered blowfish. In other words, we’re morons.

After nearly fifty years, Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. As his reign of leading a country into abject poverty ends, a new life begins. It will be a life of nonstop toga parties, with a pinch of dementia. When a man waits until his 80’s to retire, as Castro has, there is a lot of living to make up for. Watch out ladies; Fidel is here and there is no feeling like the touch of his luxurious beard against your skin.

A new study this week has prompted a prominent figure in the scientific community to once again emerge and raise the question of global warming with the world. The study, conducted by your own Finnius Fapperton, has shown that the weather is, indeed, totally effed up. The method performed in the study consisted largely of walking outside.

Seriously, does it take a team of rocket meteorologists to figure this out? The past week has had more highs and lows than a heroine addict. It’s like the climate jumped onto a gargantuan trampoline and is taking us all for a ride. Problem is, we’ve got a bunch of punk-assed kids telling us that nothing is wrong!

Screw you, kids! Here we are, trying to ruin your future with all of the SUVs money can buy, and you go and support that? You won’t even remember what polar bears are, you ingrates! You know, what? Forget the environment. We all hope you burn.

Last week, in the Strait of Hormuz (which is conveniently located on the northern coast of Iran), a group of speed boats from the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) “provocatively” approached 3 US Navy vessels nearly sparking World War III and the very holocaust that all those prattling evangelical gits have been praying for so diligently. Unfortunately, the whole thing turned out to be the most hilarious practical joke in the history of the world, executed by none other than the Legendary “Filipino Monkey.” This international prankster tends to favor creating chaos in international shipping lanes and various other side-splitting stunts. Sadly, the Filipino Monkey, not unlike most monkeys, tends to hurl feces at folks at the worst conceivable times.

Slantmouth was pleased to learn that our dear friend and President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made public his relationship with Carla Bruni, a former French supermodel and popstar. Slantmouth is happy for our friend, especially since if there is one political leader deserving of a supermodel it’s Sarkozy, followed closely by Charles Taylor. Taylor isn’t looking quite like his chipper, murderous self during his current imprisonment and war crimes tribunal, but it’s nothing a supermodel with a file baked inside wouldn’t cure.

The year 2007, was, regrettably, a bit of a disappointment for the staff here at Slantmouth. While we did, indeed, manage to survive, and really, when you’re face to face with a year like 2007, that’s really all that can be expected.

Here at Slantmouth, we pride ourselves at being on the cutting edge at all times. Vast amounts of energy are spent every day here as we tirelessly gleam the cube of technological advancement. From weapons systems to patent-pending breakthroughs in home and garden, Slantmouth isn’t just about providing quality news to the people who need it most, Slantmouth is about innovation.

The Dalai Lama will be meeting with President Bush, a day before heading to Congress to receive their highest civilian award, the Congressional Gold Medal. Perhaps Mr. Lama should consider wearing a nice suit, instead of his usual sheet-and-meet ensemble. Most events in Congress go over better with the absence of visible armpit hair. It already smells enough like old men in the Capital Building without the added aroma of Dalai Lama B.O. and its high concentration of “Holy.”

As most of you are most likely already aware, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize this week. The staff here at Slantmouth thought that was pretty awesome, and we hope you think that’s pretty awesome, too. He’s done a lot for things like the environment, and the world, and well, beards. We sent our very own reporter in the field, Roger (he’s like Madonna, Cher, or even Prince. He only needs one name), to record the event in Stockholm, Sweden; live from none other than the man of the hour, the tower of power, the guy who makes global warmers glower, Al Gore.

The United States Military has started a new campaign offering $200,000 for information leading to the capture of 12 Taliban and al-Queda leaders in Afghanistan. Military officials believe that the terrorists operate much like the mob, constantly staying in hiding and beating guys with shovels. By making them more visible, as the FBI did with the mob, the military hopes to have similar success in destroying their operations, relegating the Taliban to waste management and strip clubs.

Things can be a little tough for a cowboy these days. Shucks, it seems like people have a problem with their way of life. Back in my day, I was a cowboy, but I roamed the open plains of the African Savanna. So I suppose I was more of an elephantboy, or rhinoboy. Rhinoboy definitely sounds cooler. At any rate, it was shoot first and ask questions later. In my particular case, it was throw giant, irreplaceable spear from atop a lion and ask questions later, but the point is I understand what it’s like. There’s a lot of pressure when you’re the sheriff in town, and not every one’s going to understand that.

Has it really been six years already? It’s amazing how fast time gets away from you, seemingly slipping through the fingers like sand, or a carrot covered in sexual lubricant. Don’t ask. Even though the years have undoubtedly blurred together since that sunny morning six years ago, most remember the day vividly. A day burned into ones vision, never to be blinked away.

Don’t call me a turncoat. God knows that if there’s anyone more patriotic than your very own Colonel Moses Blackwell, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a big hat, and it’d be hard to eat. I don’t intend to be eating it anytime soon. But are we, as a nation, losing to win?

The White House is actively engaged in discussion to close down Guantanamo Bay, a horribly festering pimple on the nose of the United States. This nation was once one of the cool kids at the lunch table. Unfortunately, after a series of missteps, and the aforementioned blemish, things have changed. The United States still sits at the same table, but in this cafeteria there is only one lunch table. The rest of the kids are on the floor, eating crumbs.

Terrorism is a bigger global threat than ever. The annals of history have seen generation after generation of terrorist scum come and go, but we may now be facing evils that we are wholly unprepared for. If you thought Al Qaeda was bad, the humble paladins of liberty here at Slantmouth may need to prepare you for something even worse.

Some people get things like toasters and fine China for their weddings. They register months in advance everywhere from Bed, Bath and Beyond to Victoria’s Secret. But not Andrew Speaker, no, that’s not the kind of guy he is.

Terrorists. Terrorists. Terrorists!

Since the inception of Slantmouth as a news-reporting institution, terrorists have headlined the news. It is not by choice that we wag our gargantuan digital finger, aided by the typing of our sensual analogue fingers, at them. Like the ninja and the pirate and the robot, terrorists have entered the pantheon of overused archetypes readily awaiting our attention, and probably, in the not so distant future, our advertising dollar. Terrorist organizations will want a cut of the money being raked in by cable news. Every time Massengill advertises on a cable news channel, terrorists will want a piece of the action. A good match by any standard.

Here at Slantmouth, we try not to go over the same thing again and again. We prefer things to feel as though we’re moving forward, rather than skipping on forever like some broken record of current events. Being the undying advocates for change that we are, we would hope that it wouldn’t be long before the people would wise up and start to fix all that is wrong with the world, but as usual, this just isn’t the case.

Global warming once again reared its head last week, unleashing a devastating two-pronged attack on those who can defend against it least: the poor. A report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found that unless drastic changes are made, the world faces increased hunger and water shortages in the poorest countries. From within an air conditioned hall in Brussels, Belgium, Rajendra Pachauri said, “(Coming to agreement on these findings) has been a complex exercise. It was like the world’s worst game of Boggle.”

(Today’s secret word is “suspicious.”)

Bisher al-Rawi , a British resident, was released from Guantanamo Bay and reunited with his family in London after nearly five years in confinement. He was never charged with anything but being vaguely suspicious is punishable by nearly five years of jail time. That is between one and two years longer than the punishment for goat raping, though, admittedly, the penalty depends on the state.

It happens all the time. A little bit of fun turns into a serious situation, maybe not for those involved directly, but everyone around them. That very well may be what happened when 15 British soldiers were kidnapped by Iran last week. We know what you’re thinking, “How could there be any mistake?” Put it this way, kidnapping isn’t always a bad thing. We’ll explain.

Lance Corporal Robert Pennington, a United States Marine, was convicted and sentenced to eight years in a military prison for his participation in the murder of an Iraqi civilian. The highly trained 22-year-old implement of death pleaded guilty to conspiracy and kidnapping, in exchange for prosecutors dropping the more serious murder charges. It seems the military believes that justice is best served through diplomacy and compromise.

In April of 2006 Pennington and seven other soldiers set out to kidnap and kill a suspected insurgent, but became frustrated when they were unable to locate him. The Marines instead randomly grabbed Hashim Ibrahim Awad, a disabled 52-year-old retired police officer, who was known to have supported the American occupation. In fact, he supported it right up until he was bound and thrown into a bomb crater, where he was shot in the head ten times. Shots two through nine were just to make sure, but the tenth was definitely an accident.

An Anti-Whaling activist group was forced to turn back from its pursuit of a Japanese whaling fleet near the Antarctic Circle. The group, Sea Shepherd, had to abandon their seafaring protest because one of their two ships was running low on fuel. In Japan, whale is sold in supermarkets and pricey restaurants, much like orphans are in other parts of the world.

The United States has seen a new surprise champion crowned in the highly competitive sport of eating disorders. Binge eating has surpassed anorexia and bulimia, the two popular consensus favorites to contend for the title. Health experts believe binge eating should be considered a major burden on public health and sweatpants everywhere.

While anorexia and bulimia are better know, due to frequent appearances in morbid HBO documentaries, binge eating has been left behind in the footrace for public attention, perhaps because of its asthma and high blood pressure. Since it is heavily associated with severe obesity, it can be easily overlooked in a country full of the disastrously large inhabitants. An overweight Twinkie is lost in a crowded corridor of corpulent cheesecakes.

Archeologists have recently uncovered a long buried ancient settlement that shows the people of Stonehenge were regular party animals. The primitive collection of huts, less than two miles from Stonehenge, seemed to have been used seasonally for wild and depraved celebrations, making it the prehistoric precursor to Spring Break.

The celebrations took place in the middle of winter, making the sporting of thongs and the enjoyment of disturbing public sex acts nearly impossible. The conditions forced these ancient people to party indoors, which they took advantage of by covering the floors of their huts with half-eaten pig bones and smashed food bowls. The smells produced by the filth rival those of a modern day frat house couch-cushion, though lacking the trademark biological stains.

Steven Hawking, the wheeled prophet, has once again come forward to foretell humanities end, but this time he has brought some friends. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists (BAS), a Chicago-based organization to which Hawking belongs, is backing up his latest claim of doom.

At a conference organized by BAS, Hawking announced that the organization would be moving their “Doomsday Clock” forward by two minutes, indicating scientist’s growing concern over the rise of new nuclear powers and the increasing effects of global warming. The current time now on the clock is five minutes to midnight. Midnight signifies the end of human civilization, as well as when Girls Gone Wild commercials go into heavy rotation.

Terrorists have struck at America again. Surprisingly, it seems a new player has burst onto the crowded America-hating scene, and this time it is not predominantly a bunch of brownies, lightly sprinkled with sugar.

The Greek Marxist group Revolutionary Struggle, which sounds suspiciously like a Kentucky Derby participant, fired a rocket-propelled anti-tank grenade into the side of a U.S. embassy building in Athens. The group first emerged in 2003 with the bombing of an Athens courthouse, which presumably was a preemptive attack against their future captors and sodomy enablers.

With the recently elected Democratic Congressional majority being sworn in, the war in Iraq has immediately become a pressing issue, because of an impending White House proposal for more war spending. President Bush is currently formulating a new course of action that should greatly affect the 20 X 20 square foot area that makes up the green zone, aptly named due to the green light it gives insurgents to attack U.S. soldiers.

It seems clear that this new direction will be very similar to the old direction, only with more troops. In a rousing game of StarCraft, Bush found that throwing more bodies at a problem occasionally worked well. What some may consider a computer game, others consider a highly realistic warfare simulator. With aliens.

Wow. Today, Slantmouth is officially one year old. Our baby learned to walk, talk, and probably poop this year. We want to thank all of our dear, loyal readers, and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we bring you the First Annual Slanty Awards for Excellence in News Making! The committee was determined based on height, weight, social status, and smell. Taking a grueling twenty-three minutes to decide, our committee finally emerged victorious, having chosen the most important people of the year. These awards go to 2006’s top news figures, in no particular order of importance.

Iraq is bringing in the New Year unconventionally, with the hanging of Saddam Hussein. While the current United States Administration was busy extolling the virtues of American ideals and governing systems to the Iraqi people, they forgot to teach Iraq to bring in the New Year with a proper party. Preferably, a party that lacks death by hanging, though death by drunk driving is the traditional alternative.

I’ll be honest. The last few days have worn me out. What with the death of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, and the death of Gerald Ford, the under-elected wonder, my killing finger is, well, killing me. I know what you’re thinking, “What’s a Death Monkey doing killing humans?” Well, whenever Death comes down with a cold, or a mean case of Skeletal Gonorrhea, guess who has to step in? That’s right, the Death species that’s 99.9% identical. If I’m sick, they call in Death Dog, and trust me, you don’t want that, he just sniffs your crotch to death.

Today is Christmas, yet Slantmouth is still hard at work, unlike the United States Postal Service. They may work through rain, sleet and snow, but the birth of some man more than two thousand years ago leaves them weak in the knees, and not in a good way. Yet Slantmouth, like an unstoppable juggernaut, moves forward undeterred.

In the spirit of the holiday season we decided to bring you a very special interview with Father Christmas himself. No, not Jesus. We are talking about Santa Claus. The big man up North has had a difficult year and Slantmouth exclusively brings you Santa in his own words.

With the end of the Donald Rumsfeld Experience in sight, Rumsfeld has fired up the bus for his farewell tour. The first stop was the Pentagon, where he headlined a sold-out show and delivered an emotional final address in which he called for patience in Iraq. Though, he failed to mention that patience probably would have been even more useful before the invasion.

Unfortunately, patience as a commodity has been in short supply for quite some time. Many economists believe the peak of the current patience drought that coincided with the invasion of Iraq was not just a simple coincidence. Constructing a plethora of complicated graphs, economists have shown that the plight of patience, which prevented careful planning of the Iraq invasion, led directly to a premature launch and the ensuing sticky mess.

Alexander Litvinenko, an outspoken critic of Russian President Putin and an ex-KGB spy, died from radioactive poisoning in London last Thursday. Traces of a rare radioactive element named polonium-210, which is produced in nuclear reactors and particle accelerators, was found in his body and, like a bad marriage, it slowly killed him.

How this substance found its way into Litvinenko has been the source of many questions in the media. We are here to give you the answers. Slantmouth operatives were able to intercept a series of classified emails between high-ranking Kremlin intelligence officers. We now present them to you unedited.

If you want to do something that is against the law, just change it. That is the lesson that President Bush and members of Congress taught the American public, as the Commander-in-Chief signed into law the Military Commissions Act.

The game of chicken between North Korea and the rest of the world has come to a head, with North Korea announcing the successful completion of an underground nuclear test. The international community has universally condemned the test and White House spokesman Tony Snow, slowly licking his lips, stated that the test was a “provocative act”.

A leaked memo from a French intelligence agency indicates that Osama Bin Laden has succumbed to typhoid fever somewhere in the Pakistani mountains bordering Afghanistan. Typhoid fever is commonly spread through ingesting water or food contaminated by the feces of an already infected person. Apparently, the most wanted man in the world had died from eating infected poop. It turned out the leak was nothing more than an unconfirmed rumor.

Observing the fifth anniversary of the September 11th attacks, Slantmouth decided to visit the World Trade Center Memorial in Gaynorsville, Indiana. George Thompson, a lifetime Gaynorsville resident, erected the modest memorial to guarantee that the world would never forget the events of that day.

While it is still undecided what the fate will be of the World Trade Center site in New York, Thompson felt it was his patriotic duty to create something as a testament to those who passed away. Turning what was once a simple fireworks stand, Thompson pieced together the second most sentimental roadside attraction in the world, placing a close second behind the Hiroshima Super Roadside Spectacular.

On the eve of September 11th, a film will debut depicting the assassination of a great man. A man of virtue and honor, intelligence and sense, persistence and vision. Who is this great man? Is it John F. Kennedy? Is it Martin Luther King, Jr.? Could it be Abraham Lincoln? No. It is George Walker Bush, 43rd President of These United States. Many may wonder, how can this be? Who could want to harm such a beautiful, gentle man? Who?

The answer lies across the pond, some 3,000 miles (4,800 kilometers) away on the swampy isle known as “Great” Britain. Yes, these people known for their terrible food, poor hygiene, and funny accents have not only dreamt of the death of our greatest President of all time, they have, in fact, made a film about it.

In the wake of the recent wave of terror related arrests, we here at Slantmouth feel it is our duty to prepare our fine readers in the event that they themselves must face-off against deadly terrorists. Using the power of the internet, we have carefully crafted a realistic simulation of what an average person may face when encountering a run-of-the-mill terrorist cell bent on killing themselves, innocent civilians, and, most importantly, you.

For those faint of heart or not willing to make the tremendous sacrifice required in battling terrorist scum, be warned that you may sustain severe psychological damage through the use of this simulation.

Dear Mr. Fidel Castro,

It is good to hear that you are recovering from surgery. The international community has been worried, but the sight of your well-worn, catcher’s mitt face has put their minds at ease. I have it on good authority that President Bush was up all night praying to Jesus when he first heard about your surgery. You are the least threatening world leader with a beard and for that he adores you. Now that you are doing better, I am sure that the President, once again, will be sleeping like a baby in Baghdad.

Slantmouth comes to you today with a heavy heart. We have the unfortunate task of bringing you some tragic news. Sadly, our good friend and weight lifting partner, Middle E. Peace, took his own life this past week. Even while we try and come to grips with this recent event, we still feel obligated to fulfill our duty as public servants and provide our faithful readers with something.

Before us sits the tear-soaked letter that our friend wrote in the fateful moments before his life ended. As we wipe away the snot from the smudged ink of his letter, we have decided to transcribe it so that the world may read it. Hopefully others will see it as a warning sign for what this world can do to a good man or maybe they will get really depressed and turn to drinking. We are counting on the first one but, if we can point and laugh, we may not mind the second.

On occasion, your friendly neighborhood Slantmouth staffers wish to bring you unfiltered content from the world’s political leaders. This is not because we are lazy and would rather not bother coming up with our own content. No, faithful readers, this is because we want to bring to light a multicultural view that is often shunned from lesser Multimedia Juggernauts than Slantmouth. We want to bring to you, straight from the source, the views of the most powerful men in the world who are not white. While this will ensure that this type of patented Slantmouth content will be short-lived, we still feel it is our social obligation to serve it fresh.

Everyone’s least favorite Korea has once again riled up the international community. Apparently jealous from the lack of attention, in lieu of a terrorist corpse making guest appearances on several cable news outlets, North Korea is preparing a test firing of their long-range missile technology.

A Eulogy by The Colonel:

Al-Zarqawi- how we hardly knew ye. A lot of things can be said about former terrorist leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. He was a murderer. He was a terrorist. He was the leader of a rebel insurgency that cost the lives of hundreds and thousands of Americans and Iraqis alike. But one thing most won’t call him is roommate.

The year was 2006, minus about 250 million years. All types of creatures roamed the earth. They skipped and frolicked through fields. They swam synchronized in complex patterns through pristine oceans. The proto-Slantmouth reporter first emerged from the underbrush of a vast and wonderful forest. Then it happened.

Dear United Nations Committee Against Torture,

Your recent call for the closure of Guantanamo Bay has come to my attention. The eleven-page report explaining your decision even graces my desk. While I may have not actually read the document, by the power vested in me by the Internet, I feel more than qualified to comment. Check my office wall. It has more dubious qualifications framed on it than most cable news terrorism experts.

Near Jakarta, Indonesia, the dreaded Mount Merapi has been rumbling for about a month, but the lava bubbling out in the last few days could be a warning of things to come. As always, the staff here at Slantmouth is looking out for signs of the end times. And as signs go, volcanoes are right up there with huge hurricanes, killer quakes, and scary tsunamis. “Clearly,” said Michael Ramsey of the University of Pittsburgh, “it looks like things may be getting much worse.”

Violence and disease permeate every corner of the news. The Slantmouth team feels that it’s our responsibility to combat this negativity, which is often a precursor to crushing depression, with an uplifting alternative: Animals. Everyone loves animals. Even Stalin himself loved an adorable kitten or a precocious pup in his time. So, to alleviate the normal drudgery of reading the news- this week, Slantmouth presents the animal news roundup.

Mothers, lock up your daughters- bird flu’s on the town. Although the bird flu epidemic seems like it’s been around forever, the recent death of a cat in Germany has stoked the fires of this undying story. In efforts to curb the proliferation of this deadly disease, German officials have ordered that all cats be confined to their homes, and all dogs be leashed when they’re walked.

Mardi Gras has been a staple of New Orleans culture since 1699. However, expectations are that this year’s Mardi Gras celebration will not match up to the size of previous years. Analysts expect a 65% drop in debauchery and a shocking 75% drop in nudity. The reason? Hurricane Katrina.

This year’s Olympic games have one thing in common with the many before them: a mascot. The illustrious tradition of choosing a Mascot, to represent the event, stretches all the way back to 1968 in Grenoble, where Schuss, a stylized skier, was the first Official Olympic mascot. Tragically, the pressure of being an Olympic mascot leads many of these poor, benevolent souls down a path to destruction.

This week can only be described as an All Star al Qaeda Mix Tape Extravaganza! Coming in at Number One, the man himself, Osama “Rock yo’ Momma” bin Laden, with his smash hit, “Recruitin’ Ain’t Easy”. And how can we forget, Osama’s number two, Ayman al-Zawahiri, with his 17-minute hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Cavern.”

There is nothing more fearsome in this world than a journalist with a backbone. When a journalist with any level of fortitude actually does his job, it is necessary to raise him above the masses and display him as a beacon of light, perhaps feature him on a popular television news magazine.

Farris Hassan, 16 (pictured left), is one of these individuals. He entered the war zone in Iraq, without the knowledge of his parents, so that he could help the people. Armed with a prep school class in immersive journalism and a notebook, Hassan meticulously documented his few days in Baghdad. Slantmouth was able to obtain exclusive excerpts from his notebook.

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