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A new study this week has prompted a prominent figure in the scientific community to once again emerge and raise the question of global warming with the world. The study, conducted by your own Finnius Fapperton, has shown that the weather is, indeed, totally effed up. The method performed in the study consisted largely of walking outside.

Seriously, does it take a team of rocket meteorologists to figure this out? The past week has had more highs and lows than a heroine addict. It’s like the climate jumped onto a gargantuan trampoline and is taking us all for a ride. Problem is, we’ve got a bunch of punk-assed kids telling us that nothing is wrong!

Screw you, kids! Here we are, trying to ruin your future with all of the SUVs money can buy, and you go and support that? You won’t even remember what polar bears are, you ingrates! You know, what? Forget the environment. We all hope you burn.

Recently, it came to light that a US spy satellite, which was launched in December of 2006, had almost immediately lost power shortly after reaching orbit and is currently spinning out of control, hurtling around our planet as we speak. As stunned as this faithful Slantmouth servant is to say this: That’s not the bad news. The bad news is that it’s going to come crashing down to Earth, and while it will likely be in a spectacular fashion, the chances are equally likely that it could kill someone.

The year 2007, was, regrettably, a bit of a disappointment for the staff here at Slantmouth. While we did, indeed, manage to survive, and really, when you’re face to face with a year like 2007, that’s really all that can be expected.

In our modern world, our bodies are both deprived of and exposed to a host of things that our ancestors had learned to cope with over centuries. Bacteria, germs, and other invisible nasty things are obliterated by an assortment of anti-bacterial soaps and hand sanitizers. Though, frankly, the latter is a Grade-A time saver, so I haven’t washed my hands in roughly 6 ½ months. Nothing is as pure as Purell.

As most of you are most likely already aware, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize this week. The staff here at Slantmouth thought that was pretty awesome, and we hope you think that’s pretty awesome, too. He’s done a lot for things like the environment, and the world, and well, beards. We sent our very own reporter in the field, Roger (he’s like Madonna, Cher, or even Prince. He only needs one name), to record the event in Stockholm, Sweden; live from none other than the man of the hour, the tower of power, the guy who makes global warmers glower, Al Gore.

Here at Slantmouth, we try not to go over the same thing again and again. We prefer things to feel as though we’re moving forward, rather than skipping on forever like some broken record of current events. Being the undying advocates for change that we are, we would hope that it wouldn’t be long before the people would wise up and start to fix all that is wrong with the world, but as usual, this just isn’t the case.

Global warming once again reared its head last week, unleashing a devastating two-pronged attack on those who can defend against it least: the poor. A report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found that unless drastic changes are made, the world faces increased hunger and water shortages in the poorest countries. From within an air conditioned hall in Brussels, Belgium, Rajendra Pachauri said, “(Coming to agreement on these findings) has been a complex exercise. It was like the world’s worst game of Boggle.”

Yesterday, for the first time ever, daylight-savings time went into effect in March rather than its usual date in April. Not only will the nation be setting the clocks forward a full 3 weeks earlier, it will also be falling back 3 weeks later, thus giving us 6 weeks of glorious, golden extra sunshine. This move, one which promises to make people unreasonably early for work today, is intended to cut carbon emissions in the United States by a significant margin, since we’re entirely too lazy to turn off lights or not blast the air conditioning.

Like most things that happen in America, there was a bit of a controversy over the shift, as it affects a wide swath of the economy. For certain industries, the change will have definite benefits. For instance, candy makers expect to see brisker sales at Halloween, although analysts here at Slantmouth say that such expectations are, in fact, retarded. Other advocates include backyard barbecue enthusiasts, law enforcement officials, softball teams, environmentalists, and of course, reverse vampires.

When Brian Emmet’s boyhood dream of blasting off into outer space became a reality, he couldn’t imagine what could bring him down. The answer? Uncle Sam. Although Sam has been known in the past to be a generous lover, he’s showing Mr. Emmet no such generosity. In 2005, Oracle ran a sweepstakes offering a trip to the stars for anyone who could answer a series of questions regarding Java code. Emmet won, becoming a celebrity with interviews and trade shows to boot, but once reality hit, Emmet realized that he would not be able to pay taxes on the $138,000 adventure.

With all of these reports of global warming, you’d think people would stop complaining about how cold it is, but alas, winter has finally arrived for a large portion of the United States, and a bulk of the Midwest is hurting badly. As though in some sort of slight directed at the President himself, Mother Nature in all of her wonder even smacked around Texas last week.

Steven Hawking, the wheeled prophet, has once again come forward to foretell humanities end, but this time he has brought some friends. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists (BAS), a Chicago-based organization to which Hawking belongs, is backing up his latest claim of doom.

At a conference organized by BAS, Hawking announced that the organization would be moving their “Doomsday Clock” forward by two minutes, indicating scientist’s growing concern over the rise of new nuclear powers and the increasing effects of global warming. The current time now on the clock is five minutes to midnight. Midnight signifies the end of human civilization, as well as when Girls Gone Wild commercials go into heavy rotation.

Let’s face it: things have been pretty heavy lately. The President, muttering through an evening address to send more to Iraq, Israel threatening to nuke Iran’s nukes, and the big Dick Cheney dismissing the notion of a “war committee.” Yeah. It’s been heavy. Scary. Tyrannical, even. I have shouted, I have cursed, I have cried, I even wet myself a little. But this week, here at Slantmouth, we’re doing a good, old-fashioned news round up about everything except the war, government and politics. Hell, the rest of the news media seems to be trying to distract you from it, why shouldn’t we?

A new exhibition in Oslo is stirring controversy for its portrayal of various animals being homosexual. As odd as this sounds, apparently there are a lot of animals that are gay. It is behavior found in mammals and birds worldwide, and the question is: is this normal? Coming from a scientific standpoint, no. Normal means that a majority of animals would have to be “batting for the Yankees,” when in fact, the true percentages hover somewhere around 10%, which is just a little more than human percentages. And frankly, when it comes to humans, you are a little prone to lying, so we’ll assume 10% is relatively universal.

Wow. Today, Slantmouth is officially one year old. Our baby learned to walk, talk, and probably poop this year. We want to thank all of our dear, loyal readers, and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we bring you the First Annual Slanty Awards for Excellence in News Making! The committee was determined based on height, weight, social status, and smell. Taking a grueling twenty-three minutes to decide, our committee finally emerged victorious, having chosen the most important people of the year. These awards go to 2006’s top news figures, in no particular order of importance.

In startling news, revealed last week, human beings face extinction. According to world-renowned British physicist, Stephan Hawking, unless humans begin to develop, “Star Trek”-style propulsion, we will be driven (possibly in our mom’s minivan) into extinction. While most are praising Hawking for his forward thinking, this Slantmouth reporter thinks Mr. Hawking has, once again, gone too far.

Professor Hawking believes that, “sooner or later disasters such as an asteroid collision or a nuclear war could wipe us all out,” he continued, “and seriously, do you want to be here for that?” He then laughed in that creepy, robot voice of his.

This week, the team here at Slantmouth could report on a lot of topics. Sure, the 911 emergency calls from September 11th were released this week, and the war in Iraq waged for yet another week, but what about the news that really matters? Science moves us forward and brings us mind-blowing innovations, like the silly straw. Without science, your puny brain wouldn’t even be able to read the greatness that we spew weekly, let alone comprehend it. So in an effort to bring you what you sorely demand (Science!) Slantmouth, as always, delivers. Now, fellow monkeys, feast upon the glory that is science!

The staff at Slantmouth thinks you should know who Isabelle Dinoire is and what we think is, clearly, very important. She is the French woman who had the world’s first Slantmouth transplant. The first of many future transplants, no doubt.

In a devastating blow to biodiversity, almost two-thirds of the 110 known species of harlequin frogs have gone extinct in Central and South America. Many scientists have been left scratching their bald, spectacled heads over this mass extinction.

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