We Like You. Stick around.

Last week, the infamous DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found dead in Tarpon Springs, Florida at her mother’s home. The cause was thought to be suicide. Just two weeks ago, she was found guilty of running a prostitution ring, during which she had kept a “little black book” connecting many of DC’s most powerful to some high class ladies of the night. Despite the quality of the ladies, our own Julius Serpentine was not found on that list, as he has no need for them.

The New York Times has reported that over the last several years the Pentagon has been covertly inserting their invisible hand up the rears of several television military analysts and using them as their own personal meaty man-puppets. They were literally supplying Bush administration talking points to major journalistic outlets in the guise of thoughtful expert analysis. Yes, something certainly stinks about the situation, but that may just be former Secretary of Defense and master puppeteer Donald Rumsfeld’s fingers. Meaty man-puppet residue can be hard to remove.

It’s been busy. Bittergate, elitism, crazy questions about conspiracy; we don’t even know where to begin. Regardless, since last week’s travesty of a Democratic Debate, the candidates were just itching to get the issues back on the table and as always, Slantmouth was there. We bring you the third (and for the love of God, make it the final) round of Clinton vs. Obama.

This one’s going to get ugly.

The Pentagon recently announced that they had “accidentally” shipped Taiwan parts from a Minuteman ballistic missile. These parts, consisting of four electrical fuses, are used to trigger nuclear weapons (although they do not contain nuclear material). Taiwan had ordered helicopter batteries, but received the fuses instead, which if you weren’t already aware, makes no goddamned sense whatsoever. To put it in layman’s terms, Taiwan ordered the salmon, and we delivered blowfish. In other words, we’re morons.

The air is ripe with the stink of another political sex scandal. The Democratic Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, was revealed to have had 7 to 8 rendezvouses with high-end prostitutes. Despite the shock displayed by many, it should come as little surprise. In recent years, the annual political sex scandal has become a cherished national tradition, joining baseball, apple pie, and driving Native Americans into alcoholism. Frankly, the nation should be proud that a politician finally figured out how to dial a phone and hire a trained professional, instead of using the Congressional Page system as their personal farm team for sordid games of pitch-and-catch. At the very least, the citizen’s of New York can take solace in knowing that Spitzer’s tax payer paid salary went into good and highly lubricated hands.

After nearly fifty years, Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. As his reign of leading a country into abject poverty ends, a new life begins. It will be a life of nonstop toga parties, with a pinch of dementia. When a man waits until his 80’s to retire, as Castro has, there is a lot of living to make up for. Watch out ladies; Fidel is here and there is no feeling like the touch of his luxurious beard against your skin.

Super Tuesday has come and gone, as Americans take another few steps towards deciding the future of this country. To many Republican voters, that future is a few years away from forgetting its own name and incontinence. John McCain has taken a definitive advantage in the race to represent the Republican party as its Presidential nominee. The only way the other candidates have a chance is for McCain to spontaneously combust from old age. It’s a long shot but it’s better than waiting for a Cialis overdose.

This doesn’t come easily, folks. It’s over. The dream is dead, and it started to die last night at 9pm Eastern Standard Time. That’s right. It pains this mortal man to say it, but George W. Bush’s last State of the Union has been delivered, and the staff here at Slantmouth knows that life from this point out will never be the same. So, like the President, we won’t stand about sniffling with our collective lips quivering, hoping that we can relive the glory days of yore. No. Instead, we will step gallantly (some would even say heroically… or sensuously) forward into the light of a new day, hand-in-hand with the man who has only 356 days of a ridiculously awesome presidency remaining.

With presidential nominations up for bid, candidates are willing to take whatever competitive advantage they can get. While getting injected in the rear with horse steroids would not be give quite the advantage needed, apparently celebrity endorsements are just what the kind of doctor operating out of an unmarked white van would order. The main endorsements have come from Hollywood action stars so far past their sell-by dates that it’s like watching sentient mold recommend the next President of the United States. It is a bit unnerving and simultaneously silly. It is exactly like watching the movie Swamp Thing, if it was about the Reagan election campaign.

Slantmouth was pleased to learn that our dear friend and President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made public his relationship with Carla Bruni, a former French supermodel and popstar. Slantmouth is happy for our friend, especially since if there is one political leader deserving of a supermodel it’s Sarkozy, followed closely by Charles Taylor. Taylor isn’t looking quite like his chipper, murderous self during his current imprisonment and war crimes tribunal, but it’s nothing a supermodel with a file baked inside wouldn’t cure.

The year 2007, was, regrettably, a bit of a disappointment for the staff here at Slantmouth. While we did, indeed, manage to survive, and really, when you’re face to face with a year like 2007, that’s really all that can be expected.

New Jersey is moving to become the first state in the modern era to ban the death penalty. All that awaits is the signature of Governor Jon Corzine to pass the bill into law. What will New Jersey now do with all of their death row inmates in lieu of this groundbreaking change of course? Speculation suggest it will involve a lot of blood-stained underwear and tear-stained pillows.

Here at Slantmouth, we pride ourselves at being on the cutting edge at all times. Vast amounts of energy are spent every day here as we tirelessly gleam the cube of technological advancement. From weapons systems to patent-pending breakthroughs in home and garden, Slantmouth isn’t just about providing quality news to the people who need it most, Slantmouth is about innovation.

Protesting is a ancient art. Even in the time of the Egyptian Pharaohs people protested. They were, of course, unceremoniously beaten to death and fed to cats, but civil action was alive and well, even if the protesters weren’t. As time has gone on, methods have evolved, changing with the demands of society. Now, more than ever, it is difficult to get anyone’s attention. Our lives have a running sound track, courtesy of our consumerist yearnings, and there is no escape. So, like an attention hungry step-child that you never wanted and could care less about if he/she died in a tragic household blender accident, protesting has had to kick it up a notches to get us to acknowledge its existence.

The Dalai Lama will be meeting with President Bush, a day before heading to Congress to receive their highest civilian award, the Congressional Gold Medal. Perhaps Mr. Lama should consider wearing a nice suit, instead of his usual sheet-and-meet ensemble. Most events in Congress go over better with the absence of visible armpit hair. It already smells enough like old men in the Capital Building without the added aroma of Dalai Lama B.O. and its high concentration of “Holy.”

The United States Military has started a new campaign offering $200,000 for information leading to the capture of 12 Taliban and al-Queda leaders in Afghanistan. Military officials believe that the terrorists operate much like the mob, constantly staying in hiding and beating guys with shovels. By making them more visible, as the FBI did with the mob, the military hopes to have similar success in destroying their operations, relegating the Taliban to waste management and strip clubs.

Things can be a little tough for a cowboy these days. Shucks, it seems like people have a problem with their way of life. Back in my day, I was a cowboy, but I roamed the open plains of the African Savanna. So I suppose I was more of an elephantboy, or rhinoboy. Rhinoboy definitely sounds cooler. At any rate, it was shoot first and ask questions later. In my particular case, it was throw giant, irreplaceable spear from atop a lion and ask questions later, but the point is I understand what it’s like. There’s a lot of pressure when you’re the sheriff in town, and not every one’s going to understand that.

Alan Greenspan’s memoir, The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World, hits bookstores this week and the Slantmouth staff could not be more excited. It’s not that we plan to actually read the book, it’s just nice to see a senior citizen continuing to make a contribution to society. Even at 81, Greenspan penned 500+ pages of exhilarating words, organized into sentences, combined to form paragraphs, and split into chapters. That’s pretty much all we could figure from staring at the cover of the book for fifteen minutes, before deciding to instead savagely pummel our subordinates in a another game of “pin the tail on the intern”. The Colonel alone is 3000 - 0 against the interns. We invented the game last week.

Has it really been six years already? It’s amazing how fast time gets away from you, seemingly slipping through the fingers like sand, or a carrot covered in sexual lubricant. Don’t ask. Even though the years have undoubtedly blurred together since that sunny morning six years ago, most remember the day vividly. A day burned into ones vision, never to be blinked away.

Senator Larry Craig, an Idaho Republican, has resigned following a scandal surrounding his attempt to join the infamous “Sea Level Club” at a Minneapolis airport. Using a strange mating ritual involving tapping his foot to attract other male bathroom attendees, Craig hoped to get lucky. By lucky we mean doing dirty deeds in a public bathroom with a man he did not know, the kind of situation Wet-Naps® were invented for.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of forgetfulness which only an Alzheimer patient could match, Attorney General Roberto Gonzales announced his resignation on Monday. The staff here at Slantmouth couldn’t be happier. The rumors began on Friday, which led most of us toward a weekend of nervous excitement, waiting for Monday like children wait for Christmas. Then, it happened; Gonzales announced a press conference, game on.

Today we part ways with a very special friend. Hell, if this guy hadn’t been around, the idea of a Bush presidency may have never been possible. He was the one who got Bush through some of the toughest times, took a lot of heat for him, and some say would’ve died for him. That’s right. Today, we bid adieu to Bush’s brain.

Congress has passed a bill expanding the Government’s powers to eavesdrop on foreign nationals without the need of a warrant, even if those communications involve United States citizens. It is not that the current administration had not been doing this already, but now it is officially legal. The Slantmouth staff cannot wait until punching politicians directly in the solar plexus is finally legal. All this sneaking around and wearing ski masks has been a real pain.

Oooo, do you smell that? I do. I can smell it so bad I can taste it. Taste it so bad that I’m practically choking on it. I know it’s been a while baby, but the moment is here again, the time has come, for you, Filibuster. Oh, God, you’re so sexy. Dig it.

We think something might be wrong with President Bush.

It may come as a surprise, as these kind of things often do, but we thought you would want to hear the news from someone you trust. Slantmouth is like the terrifyingly trustworthy tandem of your mother sitting atop the shoulders of our ever-truthful Government. Think Master Blaster. How could you not trust that, even with the violent urges?

Freedom: a word that elicits feelings of passion. Feelings of patriotism. Feelings of pyromania. The great celebration of the founding of this glorious country stands before us and just like every year, the staff here at Slantmouth is going to spend it doing one thing: blowing stuff up.

Don’t call me a turncoat. God knows that if there’s anyone more patriotic than your very own Colonel Moses Blackwell, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a big hat, and it’d be hard to eat. I don’t intend to be eating it anytime soon. But are we, as a nation, losing to win?

The White House is actively engaged in discussion to close down Guantanamo Bay, a horribly festering pimple on the nose of the United States. This nation was once one of the cool kids at the lunch table. Unfortunately, after a series of missteps, and the aforementioned blemish, things have changed. The United States still sits at the same table, but in this cafeteria there is only one lunch table. The rest of the kids are on the floor, eating crumbs.

An amazing document has been discovered, and we are not talking about the manual for The Colonel’s heavily-modified Roomba vacuum cleaning death-machine and assault vehicle we found between the couch cushions. The important document in question is a handwritten note from Abraham Lincoln to General George Meade after Gettysburg. In it Lincoln urged for the “substantial destruction” of Robert E. Lee’s fleeing army to end the war. Unfortunately, Meade allowed Lee’s army to escape back into Confederate territory and the Civil War continued for two more bloody years, but the important thing is that we now have this original, two-sentence note!

With Memorial Day upon us, a day in which we remember American war dead by going to beaches and having barbecues, Slantmouth thought it was appropriate to bring in someone who could tell us more about Memorial Day than anyone else. Yes, we mean Saint Memorial himself. It took time to track down the ageless Saint but it was time well spent, as he wowed us with his musings on life, death and love.

Ex-Presidents aren’t usually keen on bashing current ones, and vice-versa. As a sign of respect to current presidents, former presidents usually keep the name-calling and midnight drunk-dials to a minimum. In return, current presidents refrain from such things as bombing former presidents’ houses into the ground. The circle of life goes on. Last week, however, Jimmy Carter shattered this unspoken truce, thrusting the balance between the most powerful cabal of men in the world into chaos.

The last couple of weeks here at Slantmouth have been filled with a sort of quiet horror. One would think with the Democrats debating one week, and Republicans the next; we’d be atwitter with excitement over the new possibilities that lie ahead. We’re not. I think malaise would be the word that best describes the mood at the office here lately, and it’s not due to that awful Thai food we had the other day, although the place hasn’t really smelled the same since.

President Bush delivered the commencement address at Miami Dade College, and spent much of it discussing the life-affirming and inspirational topic of immigration reform. Just thinking about it makes the Slantmouth staff want to go out there and be somebody.

First off, we just want to mention that there’s a giant, tap-dancing elephant in the room. But the staff here at Slantmouth feels that addressing this particular elephant would be rather unnecessary, and rather counter-productive. The media has been all over it, even though attention is the one thing that this sort of very disturbed elephant doesn’t need. So, as said elephant makes a furious racket, we’re going to tell you a little story about a boy named Alberto.

Here at Slantmouth, we try not to go over the same thing again and again. We prefer things to feel as though we’re moving forward, rather than skipping on forever like some broken record of current events. Being the undying advocates for change that we are, we would hope that it wouldn’t be long before the people would wise up and start to fix all that is wrong with the world, but as usual, this just isn’t the case.

Global warming once again reared its head last week, unleashing a devastating two-pronged attack on those who can defend against it least: the poor. A report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found that unless drastic changes are made, the world faces increased hunger and water shortages in the poorest countries. From within an air conditioned hall in Brussels, Belgium, Rajendra Pachauri said, “(Coming to agreement on these findings) has been a complex exercise. It was like the world’s worst game of Boggle.”

Yesterday, for the first time ever, daylight-savings time went into effect in March rather than its usual date in April. Not only will the nation be setting the clocks forward a full 3 weeks earlier, it will also be falling back 3 weeks later, thus giving us 6 weeks of glorious, golden extra sunshine. This move, one which promises to make people unreasonably early for work today, is intended to cut carbon emissions in the United States by a significant margin, since we’re entirely too lazy to turn off lights or not blast the air conditioning.

Like most things that happen in America, there was a bit of a controversy over the shift, as it affects a wide swath of the economy. For certain industries, the change will have definite benefits. For instance, candy makers expect to see brisker sales at Halloween, although analysts here at Slantmouth say that such expectations are, in fact, retarded. Other advocates include backyard barbecue enthusiasts, law enforcement officials, softball teams, environmentalists, and of course, reverse vampires.

Squalid living conditions for outpatients at Walter Reed Army Medical Center have caused a massive uproar. The hospital has been primarily caring for troops wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan. Army officials figured that if a soldier can survive gunshots and shrapnel, they are more than equipped to deal with rats and mold spores. Besides, according to multiple viewings of First Blood, rats are an excellent source of protein.

Despite believing that the world’s finest soldiers could overcome the simplistic political and social circumstances of the Walter Reed rats, army officials were shocked when many Americans found the conditions to be horribly disrespectful to the injured veterans. On top of the deplorable conditions, many veterans have found it nearly impossible to schedule follow up appointments for their injuries due to bureaucratic tape. While tape generally can fix many problems, missing limbs is not one of them. Taped on severed limbs cause more harm than good.

Facing an exuberant crowd, Sen. Barack Obama declared that he would, indeed place his metaphorical hat into the metaphorical ring to be a Democratic candidate for President in 2008. His speech was clear and focused, drawing up the memory of Abraham Lincoln, and offering a hopeful outlook for the years to come. He promised to tackle the tough issues, and stated boldly, “People who love their country can change it.” He is what the government may fear most, an intelligent black man who is committed to change. He is the perfect Democratic candidate.

Although many say that it is too early to tell who is going to be in the running come November, Obama’s straight-forward charisma and optimistic spirit have both Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, and Republican opponents worried. And although Clinton is ahead in the polls, Republicans are betting that’s it’s going to come down to Obama, because they’d rather run against a black man than any woman, no matter what.

There are many things one could say about the State of the Union address last night. One, it was long and painfully so. Two, it was so boring that John McCain fell asleep. Three, it was essentially useless. You may be sitting there thinking, “You successfully summed up every State of the Union in the history of the United States!” and you would, in fact, be right. Regardless, it is the duty of this faithful Slantmouthian to bring you the highlights.

Terrorists have struck at America again. Surprisingly, it seems a new player has burst onto the crowded America-hating scene, and this time it is not predominantly a bunch of brownies, lightly sprinkled with sugar.

The Greek Marxist group Revolutionary Struggle, which sounds suspiciously like a Kentucky Derby participant, fired a rocket-propelled anti-tank grenade into the side of a U.S. embassy building in Athens. The group first emerged in 2003 with the bombing of an Athens courthouse, which presumably was a preemptive attack against their future captors and sodomy enablers.

Today, Democrats lived up to one of their “100-hour” promises by raising minimum wage from $5.15 to $7.25. Many Republicans derided the increase, including Charles E. Grassley (R- Iowa) who said, “Much of the popular support for the minimum wage is based on the fallacy that the government can help the poor without hurting anyone,” and with spittle flying from his lips, continued, “But, if the government can increase wages with no ill effects, why stop at $7.25 an hour? Why not $10 or $20? Why not give these poor bastards bars of gold to build their houses, and $100 bills to wipe themselves?” Mr. Grassley then fell to the ground in tears, and writhed around in something closely resembling a temper tantrum.

With the recently elected Democratic Congressional majority being sworn in, the war in Iraq has immediately become a pressing issue, because of an impending White House proposal for more war spending. President Bush is currently formulating a new course of action that should greatly affect the 20 X 20 square foot area that makes up the green zone, aptly named due to the green light it gives insurgents to attack U.S. soldiers.

It seems clear that this new direction will be very similar to the old direction, only with more troops. In a rousing game of StarCraft, Bush found that throwing more bodies at a problem occasionally worked well. What some may consider a computer game, others consider a highly realistic warfare simulator. With aliens.

Wow. Today, Slantmouth is officially one year old. Our baby learned to walk, talk, and probably poop this year. We want to thank all of our dear, loyal readers, and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we bring you the First Annual Slanty Awards for Excellence in News Making! The committee was determined based on height, weight, social status, and smell. Taking a grueling twenty-three minutes to decide, our committee finally emerged victorious, having chosen the most important people of the year. These awards go to 2006’s top news figures, in no particular order of importance.

Iraq is bringing in the New Year unconventionally, with the hanging of Saddam Hussein. While the current United States Administration was busy extolling the virtues of American ideals and governing systems to the Iraqi people, they forgot to teach Iraq to bring in the New Year with a proper party. Preferably, a party that lacks death by hanging, though death by drunk driving is the traditional alternative.

I’ll be honest. The last few days have worn me out. What with the death of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, and the death of Gerald Ford, the under-elected wonder, my killing finger is, well, killing me. I know what you’re thinking, “What’s a Death Monkey doing killing humans?” Well, whenever Death comes down with a cold, or a mean case of Skeletal Gonorrhea, guess who has to step in? That’s right, the Death species that’s 99.9% identical. If I’m sick, they call in Death Dog, and trust me, you don’t want that, he just sniffs your crotch to death.

In efforts to make our current government even more likable, this week the Bush Administration asked the federal court to over turn a lower court’s ruling to make money of different sizes for the blind stating, “Can’t they just smell the difference or something? I thought they were supposed to be super-human? You know, like Ben Affleck.”

With the end of the Donald Rumsfeld Experience in sight, Rumsfeld has fired up the bus for his farewell tour. The first stop was the Pentagon, where he headlined a sold-out show and delivered an emotional final address in which he called for patience in Iraq. Though, he failed to mention that patience probably would have been even more useful before the invasion.

Unfortunately, patience as a commodity has been in short supply for quite some time. Many economists believe the peak of the current patience drought that coincided with the invasion of Iraq was not just a simple coincidence. Constructing a plethora of complicated graphs, economists have shown that the plight of patience, which prevented careful planning of the Iraq invasion, led directly to a premature launch and the ensuing sticky mess.

Even with Congress in a lame duck session, the outgoing Republican majority feels it is their duty to push as many bills as possible, regardless of how unfavorable the outcome. This Congress will not cut and run. Their single-minded determination has gotten them this far and changing course now would only validate their critics, which among others, include the American people.

The battle has ended and the smoke has finally cleared. Karl Rove, the rotund Republican political architect and perennial Benjamin Franklin look-alike, emphatically stated there was no way the Republicans would lose in this midterm election.

Then “a thumping”, as President Bush called it, occurred. It is not clear what brutal, blunt instrument of destruction was used to execute this thumping. Maybe it was an old stiletto heel or a Ming vase or a prosthetic leg, but Slantmouth is betting that it was the bloody clang of democracy, squarely to the skull.

Tomorrow, an epic battle will rage across the nation, setting the course of the country for the next four years. Scandal has reared its ugly head once again, and our friends the Republicans are looking more red than ever. Sex, corruption, lies, and perversion have indelibly tainted this election year, putting Democrats at a strong advantage to take back control of the House.

While it is damn near impossible to suss out all of the mitigating factors that fall behind how people vote, there are many things going on this election that could change both people’s minds and their votes. The war, the deficit, homosexual pedophile Congressmen- anything could send one screaming from their party of choice, or in the case of NAMBLA, become staunch supporters of the Republican party.

With majorities in the Congress and Senate on the line, many of the pivotal races for the November 7th elections are, like road kill under a summer sun, heating up. The closely contested senate battle in Virginia between incumbent Republican George Allen and Democrat James Webb has taken a strange turn with the publication of a press release, titled “Webb’s Weird World”.

The press release, put out by George Allen’s campaign, contained sexually explicit passages from several of Webb’s novels. The Drudge Report, a prime source of fedora fashion and political scoops, printed the excerpts after Allen’s aides failed to get them run anywhere else. This, of course, is not indicative of the quality of this story.

If you want to do something that is against the law, just change it. That is the lesson that President Bush and members of Congress taught the American public, as the Commander-in-Chief signed into law the Military Commissions Act.

The game of chicken between North Korea and the rest of the world has come to a head, with North Korea announcing the successful completion of an underground nuclear test. The international community has universally condemned the test and White House spokesman Tony Snow, slowly licking his lips, stated that the test was a “provocative act”.

This week, yet another scandal surfaced from the ever-moral Congress, involving not only sex, but also an unusually high level of irony. In what media pundits are calling, “Pedo-Gate,” Rep. Mark Foley (R) of Florida abruptly resigned Friday amid accusations of sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to underage boys. In a transcript provided by ABC News, the instant messages go from Foley asking the boy, “how my favorite young stud doing (sic),” to describing various methods of masturbation and stating, “well I have aa totally stiff wood now (sic and sick).” Internet bloggers have quickly labeled this exchange, “GayZ0r.”

On the eve of September 11th, a film will debut depicting the assassination of a great man. A man of virtue and honor, intelligence and sense, persistence and vision. Who is this great man? Is it John F. Kennedy? Is it Martin Luther King, Jr.? Could it be Abraham Lincoln? No. It is George Walker Bush, 43rd President of These United States. Many may wonder, how can this be? Who could want to harm such a beautiful, gentle man? Who?

The answer lies across the pond, some 3,000 miles (4,800 kilometers) away on the swampy isle known as “Great” Britain. Yes, these people known for their terrible food, poor hygiene, and funny accents have not only dreamt of the death of our greatest President of all time, they have, in fact, made a film about it.

Dear Mr. Fidel Castro,

It is good to hear that you are recovering from surgery. The international community has been worried, but the sight of your well-worn, catcher’s mitt face has put their minds at ease. I have it on good authority that President Bush was up all night praying to Jesus when he first heard about your surgery. You are the least threatening world leader with a beard and for that he adores you. Now that you are doing better, I am sure that the President, once again, will be sleeping like a baby in Baghdad.

Slantmouth comes to you today with a heavy heart. We have the unfortunate task of bringing you some tragic news. Sadly, our good friend and weight lifting partner, Middle E. Peace, took his own life this past week. Even while we try and come to grips with this recent event, we still feel obligated to fulfill our duty as public servants and provide our faithful readers with something.

Before us sits the tear-soaked letter that our friend wrote in the fateful moments before his life ended. As we wipe away the snot from the smudged ink of his letter, we have decided to transcribe it so that the world may read it. Hopefully others will see it as a warning sign for what this world can do to a good man or maybe they will get really depressed and turn to drinking. We are counting on the first one but, if we can point and laugh, we may not mind the second.

One week ago Saturday, New Jersey’s honorable, yet smelly, government underwent a shut down that would last 7 days and cost the state millions of dollars. The reason for the shut down? One percent. That’s right, Governor Jon S. Corzine managed to bring the New Jersey state government to its knees, like so many Jersey City prostitutes, over raising sales taxes from 6 to 7 percent. Now, Slantmouth brings you a comprehensive account of what happened, and why no one important seemed to care.

On occasion, your friendly neighborhood Slantmouth staffers wish to bring you unfiltered content from the world’s political leaders. This is not because we are lazy and would rather not bother coming up with our own content. No, faithful readers, this is because we want to bring to light a multicultural view that is often shunned from lesser Multimedia Juggernauts than Slantmouth. We want to bring to you, straight from the source, the views of the most powerful men in the world who are not white. While this will ensure that this type of patented Slantmouth content will be short-lived, we still feel it is our social obligation to serve it fresh.

Everyone’s least favorite Korea has once again riled up the international community. Apparently jealous from the lack of attention, in lieu of a terrorist corpse making guest appearances on several cable news outlets, North Korea is preparing a test firing of their long-range missile technology.

A Eulogy by The Colonel:

Al-Zarqawi- how we hardly knew ye. A lot of things can be said about former terrorist leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. He was a murderer. He was a terrorist. He was the leader of a rebel insurgency that cost the lives of hundreds and thousands of Americans and Iraqis alike. But one thing most won’t call him is roommate.

Dear United Nations Committee Against Torture,

Your recent call for the closure of Guantanamo Bay has come to my attention. The eleven-page report explaining your decision even graces my desk. While I may have not actually read the document, by the power vested in me by the Internet, I feel more than qualified to comment. Check my office wall. It has more dubious qualifications framed on it than most cable news terrorism experts.

Today. May 1st, Twenty Aught Six, marks the day that millions upon millions of immigrant workers across the nation will be taking off work to protest in the streets as a show of unity and to prove that immigrants, are indeed, vital to this country’s economy. According to CNN, “Meatpacking plants will shut down. Markets won’t open. Trucks won’t roll. Students will walk out of school. Millions of people will take to America’s streets in possibly unprecedented numbers.” We here at Slantmouth have to agree as even we are feeling the effects because every one of our various departments and divisions, are indeed, run by immigrants.

Dateline: Kingsville, Texas. The Private Ranch of Katharine Armstrong. Saturday, February 11th, 2006.

Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old lawyer, was shot and wounded during a quail hunting expedition by none other than Dick Cheney. The official story states that as Cheney, an experienced hunter, turned to shoot at a covey of quail, Whittington approached from behind, unannounced.

Another year, another State of the Union Address and this one, like the ones that came before it, was chock full of hope, promises and fantastical tales of a better year to come. Ah, the ceremony, the standing, the sitting, the gratuitous applause. Nothing makes me feel more patriotic than sitting down with my golden retriever, eating some freshly baked apple pie and watching the State of the Union Address that I recorded on my TiVo. These are the very things that make our Nation great. From Slantmouth to you: May God Bless America!

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