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Here at Slantmouth, we pride ourselves at being on the cutting edge at all times. Vast amounts of energy are spent every day here as we tirelessly gleam the cube of technological advancement. From weapons systems to patent-pending breakthroughs in home and garden, Slantmouth isn’t just about providing quality news to the people who need it most, Slantmouth is about innovation.

Humanity has a long history of combining things together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. Just think, what sort of world would we be living in if humans had not thought to combine super-humans and spandex or cows and hamburger buns? On second thought, don’t think about it. It’s way too early in this article to be getting depressed and this isn’t even about Iraq or tortured prisoners or some other heavy topic. This is only about unsuspecting children getting sick, so lighten up and smile a little bit.

Love is a funny little thing. As long as time has told, people have done crazy things for love. Written songs, gotten tattoos, chopped off ears, even brutally murdered with a pick-ax, all in the name of love. Ah, love, such a thing of wonder. Now, for the first time I can certainly account for, someone has actually sued for it. Well, not so much for love, but for a lack of the hot, messy kind. You may know it as sex.

In our modern world, our bodies are both deprived of and exposed to a host of things that our ancestors had learned to cope with over centuries. Bacteria, germs, and other invisible nasty things are obliterated by an assortment of anti-bacterial soaps and hand sanitizers. Though, frankly, the latter is a Grade-A time saver, so I haven’t washed my hands in roughly 6 ½ months. Nothing is as pure as Purell.

A virus is quickly spreading across America and there is no vaccine. Researchers have found that Adenovirus-36 (Ad-36), a common cause of respiratory and eye infections, turns stem cells into fat cells, causing obesity in the Infected. As it makes its way into every man, woman and child in America, the landscape of the country will be shaken, perhaps enough to destroy the very foundation of our society. Ad-36 will bring about Armageddon and we will be too busy breathing hard from our walk to the refrigerator to stop it. Thankfully, Slantmouth is here to help.

Over the weekend, while President Bush prepared for a little inner reflection via colonoscopy, the Presidential powers were transferred to Vice President Dick Cheney. Yes, for a few short hours Cheney was the man in charge, and despite what some may say about the doctors having to remove Cheney’s Machiavellian, Jim Henson hand from the President before inserting the colonoscopy camera, it was only the second time he has held the powers of the President.

Some people get things like toasters and fine China for their weddings. They register months in advance everywhere from Bed, Bath and Beyond to Victoria’s Secret. But not Andrew Speaker, no, that’s not the kind of guy he is.

Slantmouth’s annual “Feed the Homeless Day” did not go quite as planned. True, they almost never do, but this year’s experience was terrible enough that Slantmouth Industries may have to retire one of our most cherished philanthropic events. It certainly ranks somewhere in the top ten, sandwiched between “Sponge Bathe the Elderly Day” and our “Communist Clubbing Clambake.”

Slantmouth always seeks to promote the welfare of others. Company events are a way for our legion of unpaid interns to take a break from scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes and become involved in the community, something we encourage everyone to do. But something terrible happened this past weekend and it involved pet food.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, daylight-savings time went into effect in March rather than its usual date in April. Not only will the nation be setting the clocks forward a full 3 weeks earlier, it will also be falling back 3 weeks later, thus giving us 6 weeks of glorious, golden extra sunshine. This move, one which promises to make people unreasonably early for work today, is intended to cut carbon emissions in the United States by a significant margin, since we’re entirely too lazy to turn off lights or not blast the air conditioning.

Like most things that happen in America, there was a bit of a controversy over the shift, as it affects a wide swath of the economy. For certain industries, the change will have definite benefits. For instance, candy makers expect to see brisker sales at Halloween, although analysts here at Slantmouth say that such expectations are, in fact, retarded. Other advocates include backyard barbecue enthusiasts, law enforcement officials, softball teams, environmentalists, and of course, reverse vampires.

There could be a terror lurking quietly in your home as you read this very article. No one knows how it got there, or why, but rest assured, it may or may not be there. Where is this silent killer? Who or what is it, and why don’t I just come out and tell you? Because, dear reader, as you should already know, that’s not the way the media works and neither does Slantmouth.

Imagine: when your child comes home from a hard day of school, and no one is there to protect him, not even you. But somewhere in your house, a killer awaits who could strike at any moment. Is it an Islamic Extremist? One of those sickos from Dateline? A bear?

The United States has seen a new surprise champion crowned in the highly competitive sport of eating disorders. Binge eating has surpassed anorexia and bulimia, the two popular consensus favorites to contend for the title. Health experts believe binge eating should be considered a major burden on public health and sweatpants everywhere.

While anorexia and bulimia are better know, due to frequent appearances in morbid HBO documentaries, binge eating has been left behind in the footrace for public attention, perhaps because of its asthma and high blood pressure. Since it is heavily associated with severe obesity, it can be easily overlooked in a country full of the disastrously large inhabitants. An overweight Twinkie is lost in a crowded corridor of corpulent cheesecakes.

In efforts to make our current government even more likable, this week the Bush Administration asked the federal court to over turn a lower court’s ruling to make money of different sizes for the blind stating, “Can’t they just smell the difference or something? I thought they were supposed to be super-human? You know, like Ben Affleck.”

Children of America, your hero has returned. That’s right, kids. Bill Clinton is here to save your bulbous bodies from reaching critical mass and exploding into a meaty mess.

Mothers, lock up your daughters- bird flu’s on the town. Although the bird flu epidemic seems like it’s been around forever, the recent death of a cat in Germany has stoked the fires of this undying story. In efforts to curb the proliferation of this deadly disease, German officials have ordered that all cats be confined to their homes, and all dogs be leashed when they’re walked.

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