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With presidential nominations up for bid, candidates are willing to take whatever competitive advantage they can get. While getting injected in the rear with horse steroids would not be give quite the advantage needed, apparently celebrity endorsements are just what the kind of doctor operating out of an unmarked white van would order. The main endorsements have come from Hollywood action stars so far past their sell-by dates that it’s like watching sentient mold recommend the next President of the United States. It is a bit unnerving and simultaneously silly. It is exactly like watching the movie Swamp Thing, if it was about the Reagan election campaign.

The year 2007, was, regrettably, a bit of a disappointment for the staff here at Slantmouth. While we did, indeed, manage to survive, and really, when you’re face to face with a year like 2007, that’s really all that can be expected.

Take it from the staff here at Slantmouth. Keeping up with the news is hard. I mean, it seems like every day something happens. Something new! Sometimes multiple things happen. It’s crazy. What with the war, the terror (oh, the terror), politics, babies having babies, babies aborting babies, babies eating babies, and um, the weather, it’s tough staying current. It’s bleeding exhausting. I often wonder how other fine news outlets like CNN, Fox, or MSNBC do it.

Freedom: a word that elicits feelings of passion. Feelings of patriotism. Feelings of pyromania. The great celebration of the founding of this glorious country stands before us and just like every year, the staff here at Slantmouth is going to spend it doing one thing: blowing stuff up.

There is something in the air. A scent of some kind. Oh, yes. That is the sweet, scandalous smell of a sex tape.

Honestly, it is not sweet. In fact, it makes a man’s very flesh crawl. You see, this is not your garden variety sex tape circling the media rounds. There are no marginally talented Hollywood socialites or urine soaked teenagers to amuse jaded internet pornographers. No. This tape is serious.

Hello, Gossip-bots. I’d like to have returned under better circumstances, but sometimes tragedy is the only thing that can break the spell white sand beaches and a Mai Tai have over me.

Anna Nicole Smith, the tabloid mainstay, passed away yesterday of undetermined causes. She was to gossip columns what groupies are to rock stars. She was always prepared to give us more of herself than we were really comfortable with, and afterwards we’d tell her to get the hell away because we had to take a phone call from our wife and kids.

Let’s face it: things have been pretty heavy lately. The President, muttering through an evening address to send more to Iraq, Israel threatening to nuke Iran’s nukes, and the big Dick Cheney dismissing the notion of a “war committee.” Yeah. It’s been heavy. Scary. Tyrannical, even. I have shouted, I have cursed, I have cried, I even wet myself a little. But this week, here at Slantmouth, we’re doing a good, old-fashioned news round up about everything except the war, government and politics. Hell, the rest of the news media seems to be trying to distract you from it, why shouldn’t we?

Wow. Today, Slantmouth is officially one year old. Our baby learned to walk, talk, and probably poop this year. We want to thank all of our dear, loyal readers, and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we bring you the First Annual Slanty Awards for Excellence in News Making! The committee was determined based on height, weight, social status, and smell. Taking a grueling twenty-three minutes to decide, our committee finally emerged victorious, having chosen the most important people of the year. These awards go to 2006’s top news figures, in no particular order of importance.

I’ll be honest. The last few days have worn me out. What with the death of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, and the death of Gerald Ford, the under-elected wonder, my killing finger is, well, killing me. I know what you’re thinking, “What’s a Death Monkey doing killing humans?” Well, whenever Death comes down with a cold, or a mean case of Skeletal Gonorrhea, guess who has to step in? That’s right, the Death species that’s 99.9% identical. If I’m sick, they call in Death Dog, and trust me, you don’t want that, he just sniffs your crotch to death.

Welcome, my lovely little gossip-bots! I’m back and writing as I cruise down the French Riviera, drinking with impossibly beautiful men and women. Living an actual life makes me almost completely forget about celebrities and their useless problems, but I could never leave my readers out in the cold like that.

On to the celebrities!

Doing her best celebrity impersonation of a marginally talented starlet trading in on her good looks, Miss USA Tara Conner will be checking into rehab. Her under-aged drinking, positive drug test, and public displays of affection with Miss Teen USA have her on course to compete with even the most seasoned celebrity bitchlets. Instead of stripping her title, Donald Trump, whose organization owns the Miss Universe pageant, decided to give the beauty queen a second chance. I’m all about second chances. It just means more opportunities for me to write about your sad, sad future, Tara. So go ahead and whore it up!

Hello, gossip-bots! I’m back once again, to show you how you’re actually much better than the people you idolize. If you still don’t believe me after this column, down a few drinks. It always works for me.

Now on to the celebrities!

Michael Richards, the actor who played Kramer on “Seinfeld”, is in the news and relevant for the first time in years. Unfortunately, it isn’t because he’s done anything funny, which, had he actually done something funny, would’ve also been for the first time in years. While performing in a Los Angeles comedy club, Richards was being heckled and unleashed his bitter, washed-up rage on the heckler, a black man.

Hello, my gossip-bots! It’s been a while. Did you miss me? I almost missed you, after my fifth wine cooler. Enough about you, let’s talk about some celebrities.

Kirstie Alley, refusing to be fat and go away, appeared on Oprah yesterday in a bikini. Alley, once tipping the scales and compact cars at 219 pounds, has lost 75 pounds. The former “Cheers” cast member starred most recently in her reality show “Fat Actress”, where she played the only role she’s played for several years; a fat actress.

I’m really proud of you, Kirstie. Now that you’ve shed all of that weight at the ripe age of 55, you can finally start a new phase of your career; being an old actress. But don’t gain it back, dear. Kathy Bates dominates the competition for old, fat actresses. You don’t want to tangle with her. I hear she’s a vicious bitch (and a biter).

Hello, my lovely little gossip-bots! It’s time to recap this week’s celebrity news.

Courtney Love has reportedly turned to Buddhism to make amends for her past. Now, whenever she has a problem she turns to her faith. Sweetheart, if the drugs weren’t helping, Buddhism doesn’t stand a chance.

Love’s filthy grunge husband, Kurt Cobain, topped Forbes magazine’s list of highest earning dead celebrities, beating out Elvis for the top spot. Elvis, another drug abusing rock icon, had been the reigning king for the last four years. Thank God a fatty who died with his pants around his ankles doesn’t top the Forbes list anymore. It was getting a little embarrassing, like how being married to Michael Jackson then Nicholas Cage is a little embarrassing. I’m looking at you Lisa Marie.

Acrimonious divorce proceedings are nothing new in the world of celebrity. But every now and then, a separation becomes so nasty, so venomous, that it becomes legendary. Divorces such as, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards; Liza Minnelli and that one creepy guy have become infamous all around the world. But this week, a divorce continued which may prove to be the worst celebrity break up of all time: Sir Paul McCartney and Lady Heather Mills-McCartney.

A leaked memo from a French intelligence agency indicates that Osama Bin Laden has succumbed to typhoid fever somewhere in the Pakistani mountains bordering Afghanistan. Typhoid fever is commonly spread through ingesting water or food contaminated by the feces of an already infected person. Apparently, the most wanted man in the world had died from eating infected poop. It turned out the leak was nothing more than an unconfirmed rumor.

Every now and again the Slantmouth staff likes to dust off the old time machine and assemble a pantheon of historical figures capable of giving the world a unique perspective on the issues of today. This week we have gathered some of American history’s famous alcoholics to discuss Mel Gibson.

The man, the myth, the legend. Superman has been a staple in American culture since the late 30’s, representing everything that the United States holds dear, values, courage, and of course, battling evil. However, since the beginning of his illustrious career as an extremely boring crime fighter, many questions have lingered about the “Man of Steel.” So this week, in an effort to clarify fact from fiction before the new movie this week, Slantmouth sat down with Superman to get his side of the ongoing story.

This is the moment all four remaining Michael Jackson fans have been waiting for: The King of Pop will be taking a break from his busy child molestation trial schedule to work on a new album! He will be recording his latest album for the Bahrain-based label Two Seas Records.

In perhaps the most disturbing story of recent times, the birth of the vile Cruise spawn is imminent. As we all know, Katie Holmes has been fertilized with the alien seed of the dreaded Level 6 Operating Thetan, Tom Cruise. According to Cruise, “She’s ready to pop.” This has leading scientists speculating upon many things regarding the birth. In Slantmouth’s, ongoing efforts to bring you signs of the end times, we shall present leading scientific theories about the creature that may be spewed forth in coming weeks, and what you can do to prepare for what may be the beginning of the end for all of mankind.

Sometimes, things are simply too busy here at Slantmouth to give you all the stories. With all the war, death, violence, and chicken love in the world: who has time to cover the little things, like the Oscars? As important as they may seem, we really couldn’t care less about them. However, in an ongoing effort to bring you what you deserve as a loyal reader of Slantmouth (your membership badges are in the mail, we swear), this week, we give you a grab bag of stories from the wonderful world of miscellany! Pay attention, it could be infotastic!

Mardi Gras has been a staple of New Orleans culture since 1699. However, expectations are that this year’s Mardi Gras celebration will not match up to the size of previous years. Analysts expect a 65% drop in debauchery and a shocking 75% drop in nudity. The reason? Hurricane Katrina.

In a blockbuster deal, The Walt Disney Company acquired Pixar Animation Studios for $7.4 billion. Recent years have seen Disney fail to capture the imagination or money of its audience. The sale of breakfast cereal tie-ins, the Industry Standard Indicator on a movie’s success, has been gradually decreasing with each subsequent film. Many higher-ups on the Board of Directors thought that the concentration on hand drawn animation, instead of computer-generated animation, was hurting Disney films at the box office. They concluded that it had nothing to do with the films being both poorly conceived and executed.

Lost fever is sweeping the nation like a screaming bubonic plague of theoretical guano. As you may already know, it’s a bit hard to keep up with all of the characters and events. If you’ve missed so much as two seconds of any given episode, then you’re likely further behind than a fat asthmatic running a hundred-meter dash.

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