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Few stories are horrific enough that even the staff at Slantmouth is left with little to say. Unfortunately, after Austrian Josef Friztl imprisoned and raped his own daughter in a soundproof dungeon built in his basement for over twenty-four years, fathering seven of his own grandchildren, well, the permanent taste of vomit in our mouths won’t allow much clear thought. So, instead of the usual commentary and in-depth coverage you have come to expect, the festivities are going to be turned over to Investigator Magstanik, one of the Austrian police assigned to examine the scene of the crime: the handcrafted, underground prison bunker. We present to you his extensive notes from the scene.

Last week, the infamous DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found dead in Tarpon Springs, Florida at her mother’s home. The cause was thought to be suicide. Just two weeks ago, she was found guilty of running a prostitution ring, during which she had kept a “little black book” connecting many of DC’s most powerful to some high class ladies of the night. Despite the quality of the ladies, our own Julius Serpentine was not found on that list, as he has no need for them.

The air is ripe with the stink of another political sex scandal. The Democratic Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, was revealed to have had 7 to 8 rendezvouses with high-end prostitutes. Despite the shock displayed by many, it should come as little surprise. In recent years, the annual political sex scandal has become a cherished national tradition, joining baseball, apple pie, and driving Native Americans into alcoholism. Frankly, the nation should be proud that a politician finally figured out how to dial a phone and hire a trained professional, instead of using the Congressional Page system as their personal farm team for sordid games of pitch-and-catch. At the very least, the citizen’s of New York can take solace in knowing that Spitzer’s tax payer paid salary went into good and highly lubricated hands.

Imagine. Night falls across the land, and a menace takes to the street. They scurry in the darkness, hunting, searching, seeking… questing. They seek not flesh, not brains not souls, no; they’re after your electronics. Why? Because thanks to a decision by the U.S. Sentencing Commission, thousands of crack convicts could be released from federal prisons, thus flooding the streets with something more terrifying than even zombies. That’s right… we’re talking about crack heads.

New Jersey is moving to become the first state in the modern era to ban the death penalty. All that awaits is the signature of Governor Jon Corzine to pass the bill into law. What will New Jersey now do with all of their death row inmates in lieu of this groundbreaking change of course? Speculation suggest it will involve a lot of blood-stained underwear and tear-stained pillows.

Love is a funny little thing. As long as time has told, people have done crazy things for love. Written songs, gotten tattoos, chopped off ears, even brutally murdered with a pick-ax, all in the name of love. Ah, love, such a thing of wonder. Now, for the first time I can certainly account for, someone has actually sued for it. Well, not so much for love, but for a lack of the hot, messy kind. You may know it as sex.

Last week, Jammie Thomas, was fined $220,000 for alleged music piracy and illegal song sharing, the result of a lawsuit against her filed by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Not to be the ones to pick a weak target, the RIAA made sure to choose someone who was clearly a malicious, evil pirate and it’s quite obvious they succeeded. The last time Slantmouth went after pirates, we wound up sailing a “borrowed” yacht to somewhere in the middle of international waters and inadvertently stumbling upon the world’s largest “Crack, Hooker, and Clown” party. Hey, in international waters, anything goes!

Things can be a little tough for a cowboy these days. Shucks, it seems like people have a problem with their way of life. Back in my day, I was a cowboy, but I roamed the open plains of the African Savanna. So I suppose I was more of an elephantboy, or rhinoboy. Rhinoboy definitely sounds cooler. At any rate, it was shoot first and ask questions later. In my particular case, it was throw giant, irreplaceable spear from atop a lion and ask questions later, but the point is I understand what it’s like. There’s a lot of pressure when you’re the sheriff in town, and not every one’s going to understand that.

Senator Larry Craig, an Idaho Republican, has resigned following a scandal surrounding his attempt to join the infamous “Sea Level Club” at a Minneapolis airport. Using a strange mating ritual involving tapping his foot to attract other male bathroom attendees, Craig hoped to get lucky. By lucky we mean doing dirty deeds in a public bathroom with a man he did not know, the kind of situation Wet-Naps® were invented for.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of forgetfulness which only an Alzheimer patient could match, Attorney General Roberto Gonzales announced his resignation on Monday. The staff here at Slantmouth couldn’t be happier. The rumors began on Friday, which led most of us toward a weekend of nervous excitement, waiting for Monday like children wait for Christmas. Then, it happened; Gonzales announced a press conference, game on.

Congress has passed a bill expanding the Government’s powers to eavesdrop on foreign nationals without the need of a warrant, even if those communications involve United States citizens. It is not that the current administration had not been doing this already, but now it is officially legal. The Slantmouth staff cannot wait until punching politicians directly in the solar plexus is finally legal. All this sneaking around and wearing ski masks has been a real pain.

Freedom: a word that elicits feelings of passion. Feelings of patriotism. Feelings of pyromania. The great celebration of the founding of this glorious country stands before us and just like every year, the staff here at Slantmouth is going to spend it doing one thing: blowing stuff up.

The White House is actively engaged in discussion to close down Guantanamo Bay, a horribly festering pimple on the nose of the United States. This nation was once one of the cool kids at the lunch table. Unfortunately, after a series of missteps, and the aforementioned blemish, things have changed. The United States still sits at the same table, but in this cafeteria there is only one lunch table. The rest of the kids are on the floor, eating crumbs.

Terrorists. Terrorists. Terrorists!

Since the inception of Slantmouth as a news-reporting institution, terrorists have headlined the news. It is not by choice that we wag our gargantuan digital finger, aided by the typing of our sensual analogue fingers, at them. Like the ninja and the pirate and the robot, terrorists have entered the pantheon of overused archetypes readily awaiting our attention, and probably, in the not so distant future, our advertising dollar. Terrorist organizations will want a cut of the money being raked in by cable news. Every time Massengill advertises on a cable news channel, terrorists will want a piece of the action. A good match by any standard.

First off, we just want to mention that there’s a giant, tap-dancing elephant in the room. But the staff here at Slantmouth feels that addressing this particular elephant would be rather unnecessary, and rather counter-productive. The media has been all over it, even though attention is the one thing that this sort of very disturbed elephant doesn’t need. So, as said elephant makes a furious racket, we’re going to tell you a little story about a boy named Alberto.

There is something in the air. A scent of some kind. Oh, yes. That is the sweet, scandalous smell of a sex tape.

Honestly, it is not sweet. In fact, it makes a man’s very flesh crawl. You see, this is not your garden variety sex tape circling the media rounds. There are no marginally talented Hollywood socialites or urine soaked teenagers to amuse jaded internet pornographers. No. This tape is serious.

(Today’s secret word is “suspicious.”)

Bisher al-Rawi , a British resident, was released from Guantanamo Bay and reunited with his family in London after nearly five years in confinement. He was never charged with anything but being vaguely suspicious is punishable by nearly five years of jail time. That is between one and two years longer than the punishment for goat raping, though, admittedly, the penalty depends on the state.

Lance Corporal Robert Pennington, a United States Marine, was convicted and sentenced to eight years in a military prison for his participation in the murder of an Iraqi civilian. The highly trained 22-year-old implement of death pleaded guilty to conspiracy and kidnapping, in exchange for prosecutors dropping the more serious murder charges. It seems the military believes that justice is best served through diplomacy and compromise.

In April of 2006 Pennington and seven other soldiers set out to kidnap and kill a suspected insurgent, but became frustrated when they were unable to locate him. The Marines instead randomly grabbed Hashim Ibrahim Awad, a disabled 52-year-old retired police officer, who was known to have supported the American occupation. In fact, he supported it right up until he was bound and thrown into a bomb crater, where he was shot in the head ten times. Shots two through nine were just to make sure, but the tenth was definitely an accident.

Sometimes, the lines between fact and fiction get a little fuzzy. The staff here at Slantmouth knows that better than most; trust us, we’re fluent in half-truths. That’s why when most people saw a crazy hose-beast in Astronaut Lisa Nowak, we saw a poor, confused woman. Sure, it looks bad. And true, rarely does a perfectly rational person decide to drive some 900 miles in a diaper to “talk” to a supposed love rival, but hey- love makes people do crazy things. It’s not every day a person gets caught up in a love triangle, let alone with a fellow astronaut and an Air force captain.

Michael Devlin, an oafish Missouri pizza manager, is accused of kidnapping two children. While one boy, 13-year-old Ben Ownby, was held for less than a week, the other, Shawn Hornbeck, had been missing for four years. How a 6’4”, 300 lb. man was able to hide a young boy for so long is still a mystery, though authorities suspect he may have smuggled Shawn in between sector four and five of his gut.

Devlin made himself available for interviews from the Franklin County jail, but would not discuss his pending court case. With our need to dig deeper into this developing story, Slantmouth was on the scene.

Terrorists have struck at America again. Surprisingly, it seems a new player has burst onto the crowded America-hating scene, and this time it is not predominantly a bunch of brownies, lightly sprinkled with sugar.

The Greek Marxist group Revolutionary Struggle, which sounds suspiciously like a Kentucky Derby participant, fired a rocket-propelled anti-tank grenade into the side of a U.S. embassy building in Athens. The group first emerged in 2003 with the bombing of an Athens courthouse, which presumably was a preemptive attack against their future captors and sodomy enablers.

Wow. Today, Slantmouth is officially one year old. Our baby learned to walk, talk, and probably poop this year. We want to thank all of our dear, loyal readers, and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we bring you the First Annual Slanty Awards for Excellence in News Making! The committee was determined based on height, weight, social status, and smell. Taking a grueling twenty-three minutes to decide, our committee finally emerged victorious, having chosen the most important people of the year. These awards go to 2006’s top news figures, in no particular order of importance.

Iraq is bringing in the New Year unconventionally, with the hanging of Saddam Hussein. While the current United States Administration was busy extolling the virtues of American ideals and governing systems to the Iraqi people, they forgot to teach Iraq to bring in the New Year with a proper party. Preferably, a party that lacks death by hanging, though death by drunk driving is the traditional alternative.

Death. It is a notion most of us fear. But in California and Florida this week, a moratorium on executions is allowing the inmates on death row sleep just a little bit easier. As one inmate, Frankie “The Deuce” Ramirez, put it, “It’s great. My only concerns now are beatings, shankings, institutionalization, crapping in front of a thousand people, and terrible food. Oh, right, and sodomy. Awesome.”

U.S. District Judge Jeremy Fogel ruled that California’s “implementation of lethal injection is broken.” The judge found that the three-drug cocktail used by San Quentin State Prison is so painful it should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. How the concept of killing someone via fruity cocktail is not already deemed, at very least, unusual remains a mystery.

Alexander Litvinenko, an outspoken critic of Russian President Putin and an ex-KGB spy, died from radioactive poisoning in London last Thursday. Traces of a rare radioactive element named polonium-210, which is produced in nuclear reactors and particle accelerators, was found in his body and, like a bad marriage, it slowly killed him.

How this substance found its way into Litvinenko has been the source of many questions in the media. We are here to give you the answers. Slantmouth operatives were able to intercept a series of classified emails between high-ranking Kremlin intelligence officers. We now present them to you unedited.

Once again, the Internet has come ablaze with controversy over a video posted last Wednesday showing a student at UCLA getting tasered by campus police. Reportedly, the incident started when the student, Mostafa Tabatabainejad, 23, couldn’t produce his student ID badge, or “BruinCard.” Mr. Tabatabainejad soon stated that he would leave and as he did, police approached to do the only thing that seemed rational at the time; try to force him to leave even faster. This is where things went a little, well, we’ll say hectic:

If you want to do something that is against the law, just change it. That is the lesson that President Bush and members of Congress taught the American public, as the Commander-in-Chief signed into law the Military Commissions Act.

This week, yet another scandal surfaced from the ever-moral Congress, involving not only sex, but also an unusually high level of irony. In what media pundits are calling, “Pedo-Gate,” Rep. Mark Foley (R) of Florida abruptly resigned Friday amid accusations of sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to underage boys. In a transcript provided by ABC News, the instant messages go from Foley asking the boy, “how my favorite young stud doing (sic),” to describing various methods of masturbation and stating, “well I have aa totally stiff wood now (sic and sick).” Internet bloggers have quickly labeled this exchange, “GayZ0r.”

In unfortunate events this week, Kimveer Gill went on a shooting spree at his college in Canada before police shot and killed him. He was 25 years old. Though his motives were vague, postings on a site called Vampire Freaks tell a fuller story. He considered himself an Angel of Death, and reportedly hated jocks, preps, country music, and Hip-Hop. Clearly, Kimveer was filled with hate.

In the wake of the recent wave of terror related arrests, we here at Slantmouth feel it is our duty to prepare our fine readers in the event that they themselves must face-off against deadly terrorists. Using the power of the internet, we have carefully crafted a realistic simulation of what an average person may face when encountering a run-of-the-mill terrorist cell bent on killing themselves, innocent civilians, and, most importantly, you.

For those faint of heart or not willing to make the tremendous sacrifice required in battling terrorist scum, be warned that you may sustain severe psychological damage through the use of this simulation.

Today, Slantmouth presents a story that seems too incredible to be true. Two women, in their 70s have been charged with killing homeless men in hit-and-run car crashes to collect some $2.3 million in life insurance funds. These deadly grandmas befriended the hobos and paid for them to stay in apartments in order to obtain their signatures.

Every now and again the Slantmouth staff likes to dust off the old time machine and assemble a pantheon of historical figures capable of giving the world a unique perspective on the issues of today. This week we have gathered some of American history’s famous alcoholics to discuss Mel Gibson.

This week, two innocent men were convicted on innumerable counts of conspiracy and fraud. Once lauded as the smartest guys in any room they entered, Jeffrey Skilling and Kenneth Lay weren’t smart enough to escape the ruthless efforts of a corrupt “Whistleblower” such as Sherron Watkins. Her obvious and brutal lust for power and fame has earned her the name, “The Buzzsaw,” and with good reason. But let us start during happier times in the Land of Enronopia.

In a twist straight out of Hollywood, two New York City police detectives were convicted of murder for being mob assassins. The attention that has been brought to the case has lead many to try and cash in on the story. As many as four books have already been commissioned. Slantmouth is currently vying for the movie rights, in order to produce a “Vaguely based on true events” made for TV movie called “Mob Mentality”. We can already smell the Emmy.

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