We Like You. Stick around.

Humanity has a long history of combining things together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. Just think, what sort of world would we be living in if humans had not thought to combine super-humans and spandex or cows and hamburger buns? On second thought, don’t think about it. It’s way too early in this article to be getting depressed and this isn’t even about Iraq or tortured prisoners or some other heavy topic. This is only about unsuspecting children getting sick, so lighten up and smile a little bit.

Last week, Jammie Thomas, was fined $220,000 for alleged music piracy and illegal song sharing, the result of a lawsuit against her filed by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Not to be the ones to pick a weak target, the RIAA made sure to choose someone who was clearly a malicious, evil pirate and it’s quite obvious they succeeded. The last time Slantmouth went after pirates, we wound up sailing a “borrowed” yacht to somewhere in the middle of international waters and inadvertently stumbling upon the world’s largest “Crack, Hooker, and Clown” party. Hey, in international waters, anything goes!

Has it really been six years already? It’s amazing how fast time gets away from you, seemingly slipping through the fingers like sand, or a carrot covered in sexual lubricant. Don’t ask. Even though the years have undoubtedly blurred together since that sunny morning six years ago, most remember the day vividly. A day burned into ones vision, never to be blinked away.

Terrorism is a bigger global threat than ever. The annals of history have seen generation after generation of terrorist scum come and go, but we may now be facing evils that we are wholly unprepared for. If you thought Al Qaeda was bad, the humble paladins of liberty here at Slantmouth may need to prepare you for something even worse.

Terrorists. Terrorists. Terrorists!

Since the inception of Slantmouth as a news-reporting institution, terrorists have headlined the news. It is not by choice that we wag our gargantuan digital finger, aided by the typing of our sensual analogue fingers, at them. Like the ninja and the pirate and the robot, terrorists have entered the pantheon of overused archetypes readily awaiting our attention, and probably, in the not so distant future, our advertising dollar. Terrorist organizations will want a cut of the money being raked in by cable news. Every time Massengill advertises on a cable news channel, terrorists will want a piece of the action. A good match by any standard.

Slantmouth’s annual “Feed the Homeless Day” did not go quite as planned. True, they almost never do, but this year’s experience was terrible enough that Slantmouth Industries may have to retire one of our most cherished philanthropic events. It certainly ranks somewhere in the top ten, sandwiched between “Sponge Bathe the Elderly Day” and our “Communist Clubbing Clambake.”

Slantmouth always seeks to promote the welfare of others. Company events are a way for our legion of unpaid interns to take a break from scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes and become involved in the community, something we encourage everyone to do. But something terrible happened this past weekend and it involved pet food.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, daylight-savings time went into effect in March rather than its usual date in April. Not only will the nation be setting the clocks forward a full 3 weeks earlier, it will also be falling back 3 weeks later, thus giving us 6 weeks of glorious, golden extra sunshine. This move, one which promises to make people unreasonably early for work today, is intended to cut carbon emissions in the United States by a significant margin, since we’re entirely too lazy to turn off lights or not blast the air conditioning.

Like most things that happen in America, there was a bit of a controversy over the shift, as it affects a wide swath of the economy. For certain industries, the change will have definite benefits. For instance, candy makers expect to see brisker sales at Halloween, although analysts here at Slantmouth say that such expectations are, in fact, retarded. Other advocates include backyard barbecue enthusiasts, law enforcement officials, softball teams, environmentalists, and of course, reverse vampires.

There could be a terror lurking quietly in your home as you read this very article. No one knows how it got there, or why, but rest assured, it may or may not be there. Where is this silent killer? Who or what is it, and why don’t I just come out and tell you? Because, dear reader, as you should already know, that’s not the way the media works and neither does Slantmouth.

Imagine: when your child comes home from a hard day of school, and no one is there to protect him, not even you. But somewhere in your house, a killer awaits who could strike at any moment. Is it an Islamic Extremist? One of those sickos from Dateline? A bear?

Next week the Indianapolis Colts will face off against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, and I couldn’t be more disappointed.

It’s not the match up that’s disappointing but what’s going to transpire during the television timeouts. You know what I’m talking about: Super Bowl commercials. The same mind-numbing, soul-destroying garbage flashing on our screens but with new packaging. It’s the same numb feeling you get watching Dane Cook gesticulating his way into a caricature of himself.

Let’s face it: things have been pretty heavy lately. The President, muttering through an evening address to send more to Iraq, Israel threatening to nuke Iran’s nukes, and the big Dick Cheney dismissing the notion of a “war committee.” Yeah. It’s been heavy. Scary. Tyrannical, even. I have shouted, I have cursed, I have cried, I even wet myself a little. But this week, here at Slantmouth, we’re doing a good, old-fashioned news round up about everything except the war, government and politics. Hell, the rest of the news media seems to be trying to distract you from it, why shouldn’t we?

The Toys for Tots program has rejected the offer of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls. Bill Grien, vice president of the charitable foundation, stated, “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family.” Adding, “Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun, and let’s face it, there’s nothing fun about crucifixion.”

Jesus dolls recite passages from the Bible such as, “Love your neighbor as yourself” and “Let he who is with funk busteth the first groove.”

In a bold move, Microsoft challenged hackers to “take your best shot” at the oft-delayed Windows Vista. According to Andrew Cushman, Microsoft’s director of security outreach, “You need to touch it, feel it,” and as he slowly caressed his chest stated, “We’re here to show our work.” Slantmouth’s Sector of Computer Hackery was on site at the Black Hat computer-security conference to probe into Vista.

This week, two innocent men were convicted on innumerable counts of conspiracy and fraud. Once lauded as the smartest guys in any room they entered, Jeffrey Skilling and Kenneth Lay weren’t smart enough to escape the ruthless efforts of a corrupt “Whistleblower” such as Sherron Watkins. Her obvious and brutal lust for power and fame has earned her the name, “The Buzzsaw,” and with good reason. But let us start during happier times in the Land of Enronopia.

It’s official. Microsoft cannot stop showering the world with its love. Children are rejoicing in the streets because, after weeks of hype, Microsoft has finally revealed Project Origami.

In a blockbuster deal, The Walt Disney Company acquired Pixar Animation Studios for $7.4 billion. Recent years have seen Disney fail to capture the imagination or money of its audience. The sale of breakfast cereal tie-ins, the Industry Standard Indicator on a movie’s success, has been gradually decreasing with each subsequent film. Many higher-ups on the Board of Directors thought that the concentration on hand drawn animation, instead of computer-generated animation, was hurting Disney films at the box office. They concluded that it had nothing to do with the films being both poorly conceived and executed.

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